What Have I Created??

Whole30 AIP Challenge June 2104

The Whole30 AIP Challenge starting June 1 has been created and announced.  There is a new Facebook Group and a blog.  Within 24 hours of the announcement over 100 people have joined!  Now, 48 hours later the total is 162 and climbing!  To say I am shocked would be an understatement!  I was hoping for 10 people.  The response has been eye opening!  There are a lot of people out there who want to feel better, reduce pain, stress and extra weight. 

Since starting my AIP journey over four months ago I can honestly say that changing what I put in my mouth has been the best medicine I have ever tried.  After decades of suffering from a disease I was ignoring, but symptoms I couldn’t ignore I had come to believe that it was just how it was going to be.  I was getting older and all the pain I was in was just part of that.  Well, let me tell you that is not true!  My body was full of inflammation and that inflammation was causing all sorts of issues, including aches, pains and dis-ease in my body!  The list of problems associates with inflammation goes on and on.  Here’s a few:

acid reflux/heartburn, acne, allergies, Alzheimer’s, arthritis, bipolar disorder, bronchitis, cancer, chronic pain, circulation issues, colitis, dementia, depression, diabetes, eczema, fibroids, fibromyalgia, gout, heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, insulin resistance, infertility, joint pain, migraines, MS, obesity, PCOS, periodontal disease, rheumatoid arthritis, sinusitis, tendonitis 

Do you have any of those listed?  

  

After changing my eating and following the autoimmune protocol food plan I feel like I am 30 again.  I have energy and stamina.  I wake up refreshed, no aches or pains.  My mind is clear, my thinking sharper and even my memory has improved. Not to mention I have lost 45 pounds and can move so much easier.  Issues with depression, self esteem and confidence have changed dramatically and life just seems easier in general.  Imagine all that from changing the way I eat!  

It is time we recognize that there is something wrong with the Standard American Diet (SAD).  Inflammation is epidemic and it all starts with the food.  Actually, that is the name of the book where the Whole30 plan comes from — It Starts with Food: Discover the Whole30 and Change Your Life in Unexpected Ways.  Food can be poison and food can be medicine, it’s just learning what to eat that creates health and eating more of it.  That’s what I have been learning for myself these last four months.  Doctors and even  some nutritionists are trained in an outdated and tainted system that is controlled mostly by pharmaceutical and food industry mega corporations that are totally profit driven. It’s time we stop listening to them!

We have to take control of our own health, start listening to our bodies and begin dealing with this epidemic of inflammation!  That is why over 150 people responded in no time at all.  They want to heal and know that it begins with the food!  As overwhelmed as I feel right now with the huge response, I am excited about the 30 day adventure that is about to begin and all the people who are going to start feeling better!  I am especially excited to be taking this adventure with my daughter and son-in-law, who have signed on and are ready to dive in!  Let the adventure begin!

If you want to find out more, check out the Facebook Group or the blog.  We’d love to have you join us!

Big Love,

Want to Get Healthy??

Join the Whole30 AIP June Challenge!

The Universe works in interesting way.  On my way to Seattle I started investigating the Whole30.  It's a program similar to what I have been doing - eating whole, healthy, lo-carb foods - a Paleo type plan to help heal the inflammation in my body.  My daughter and her husband want to change the way they eat and we were planning on doing something together while I am visiting.  So I was searching for something that would work in their life.  The Whole30 Autoimmune Protocol seemed like a good fit. 

My daughter called me while I was on a layover in San Jose.  I asked what she was doing, and she said, "Have you ever heard of the Whole30 program?  I'm looking at it on line."  I laughed.  I was also sitting there looking at their website on my laptop. Synchronicity for sure! Yes, it was meant to be. So that was the beginning . . . .

Together we have decided to take the Whole30 challenge and begin the program on June 1, 2014. We are going to follow the the program for the 30 days of June. But, we are taking it a step further.  We are starting a Facebook Group and Blog to include as many people who want to participate.  Everything is easier in a group!  Plus the more support we can get the better it is for everyone!

If you want to feel better and start healing your body you can join us.  To find out more about the program read the GUIDELINES.  If you want to participate you can join the Facebook Group and/or follow the Blog. If you have any questions, feel free to comment below or email me.

Lets get healthy together!!

Big love,

Airport Reflections - People Pleasing, Fear & Empowerment

Waiting for Flight 756

On the way to the airport this morning I had an idea.  It came as a flash.  I love when that happens.  I

knew that I had to write it down so I wouldn't forget.  Once I got through security and found a quiet place in the airport I pulled my journal out of my carry-on and flipped through looking for a blank page.  It flipped open to a page that grabbed my attention.  It was a page I had written at the Ghost Ranch last September when I was there at the Painting From the Wild Heart Retreat.  I read it.  It halted my pursuit of a blank page.  I read it again.  I thought I would share it with you.

"Painting this afternoon was hard because I allowed myself to feel feelings as I painted -- things have become clear -- processing of all the parts of my life begin making more sense and I can begin to see why it has all happened.  The truth has been made clear.  Fear has run my life and people pleasing has been my security blanket (that and care taking). I see now that my greatest fear has been my own gifts --and opening myself to the power they create in me.  When I fully own them nothing can stand in my way.  Over the last few days I have met women who struck out on their own, started their own businesses and others that live alone, love it and thrive.  I have nothing to fear.  What I do have is more letting go to do.  But that will come. . . . "

It brought me back to that time.  My experience of transformation.  The phrase that really struck me was "Fear has run my life, and people pleasing has been my security blanket . ." When I finally got that people pleasing and having people like me was the way I learned to be loved it was a profound opening.  That was something I was taught as a child, I learned that my value was based on taking care of people and being outwardly focused - assuming that would bring me love. I clung onto people pleasing even though I never really got what I needed.  It was all I knew.  Until then . .  that week in the desert when things all started to get clear with brushes and paint.  A very magical process.

It was a shift.  Suddenly I could think about owning my gifts and "opening myself to the power they create in me." It was nothing to fear. Owning the power of my gifts is empowering and brings with it a sense of peace that I have never allowed myself to feel before.  It is about acceptance, not some ego pursuit. It's about leaning into them and embracing them with my heart. 

As I read that today I realized how big this transformation has been. How differently I feel today than I did nearly nine months ago. It was opening and allowing a new way of envisioning myself and since then it has been the unfolding.  The Becoming Zia unfolding.  It nearly brought tears to my eyes as I recognized the growth and change I have experienced.   There are times in life when personal growth seems to take forever, and others (like my experience at the Ghost Ranch) that seem to jettison you forward at light speed.  I'm still trying to catch up!

Reading this today strengthens my resolve about continuing the publishing process of my book, Becoming Zia and the greater message it has to teach.  What happened to me, is happening to everyone.  It is the journey of opening to our true selves, however that plays out.  It is recognizing the importance of letting go of what doesn't work and connecting with the gifts that make each of us unique.  Just thinking about it fills me with excitement, hope, and enormous love.  It is filling my heart as I write this.  Today I feel blessed.

Now, what was that I wanted to write down . . . . 

Big, big, big love . . . 

Day 120 Check-In

January 2014                                  May 2014                  

Celebrating Four Months of Healing!

Here it is - the 120 day milestone!  Four months of following the Autoimmune and Amino Acid Protocols.  What a learning curve it has been.  I’ve begun to really understand my disease and how to heal myself and everyday I am learning more. The good news:

• I feel like a new person, no aches, pains, weird symptoms or extreme moods.
• I’ve lost 45 pounds!  Yipee (All my clothes are getting loose.)
• I have lots of energy.
• I feel comfortable in my own skin (a blessing and miracle!)
• My sleep has improved dramatically!
• My self-esteem and confidence has increased in ways I never imagined.
• I’ve lost cravings for sweets, etc., and have no interest in overeating.
• Exercise (moving my body) is so much easier and feels natural.
• I am beginning to listen and understand the messages and signals from my body.
• The “monkey mind” crazy thinking processes ended and I have a sense of peace.
• My mind is sound and I have clarity in ways I never imagined.
• My digestion is completely normal - no more constipation, bloating, gas, heartburn, etc.
• I have a sense of spiritual connection that comes with ease.

For nearly 30 years I have been struggling with this disease and I think that I now have the tools I need to put it in to remission.  At last, I finally understand it.  For so many years I felt like I was chasing my tail, going from doctor to doctor looking for an answer to why I never felt right and looking for a solution to ease all the crazy symptoms.  I remember one time waiting for eight months to see a endocrinology specialist at the Cleveland Clinic who saw me for about 5 minutes, wrote a prescription and said, “Come back in a year.”  UGHHH!!!  Just one of a long line of doctors who never could put it together and see that it was the autoimmune onset that was responsible for the waterfall of issues.  None of them ever taking the time to discover the real issue, what was happening in my body that created an environment that set up the autoimmune response.  That’s a puzzle that I am solving piece by piece. There is no doctor out there who can do this for me, no doctor that cares about my recovery more than I do! Thankfully I have found a couple of good ones that have helped me in the past year.  It is a complex issue, not one that many doctors have the patience or time to deal with.

These months have been so rewarding and enlightening.  As I move forward into what I am calling, “Phase II” of of this process I have a better understanding of what I need and the areas I need to focus my energies.  My Phase II plan includes the following components:

1. Continue Healing Autoimmune Disease (AIP)

2. Balancing Brain Chemistry

3. Connecting with Body Wisdom

4. “Yoga of Being” Spiritual Philosophy

5. Simple Living - Downsizing and Living More Fully with Less

6. Speak and Live My Truth - Becoming Zia

Healing my body and putting the autoimmune disease in remission takes a whole life approach for me.  It is more than diet, exercise and taking thyroid meds.  It is a physical, metaphysical, and spiritual issue that requires I approach my life in a different way.  Today I feel better able to address it in those ways.  Yes, four months has made a significant difference physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I can hardly wait to see what lies ahead!  The gift of the parathyroid tumor is at the core of this transformation.  It goes to show that sometimes the greatest gifts come from unexpected and seemingly negative situations.

“Do not reject a gift because you do not like the wrapping.” ~ Amrit Desai

Transformation

The picture on the left was taken in San Francisco on vacation in January 2014.  I felt terrible and found it really painful to walk, but it didn't stop me from eating sourdough bread morning noon and night!  The picture on the right was taken yesterday (May 20, 2014) in the dressing room of Lane Bryant's while I was trying on new clothes, two sizes smaller.  I still have a long way to go, but it feels great to be shrinking.  It feels even better to be pain free, happy, have tons of energy, and finally be comfortable in my own skin!

January 2014                                          May 2014

Thanks for your support and interest in my process.  

Big Love,

I Hate Wind! Seasonal Effective Disorder?

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."  ~William Arthur Ward

When we lived in Ohio, my husband, Jeff suffered from Seasonal Effect Disorder (SAD).  Too many days without sunshine play havoc on the neurotransmitter levels. Every year he would get more and more depressed as the days got shorter and the winter gloom set in.  It finally got so bad that once he stopped working he started leaving in early November, traveling around the country visiting friends and relatives until spring! Honestly. Now that we live in the Southern California desert he is happy as a clam.  He loves the sun, the heat, and the dry weather.

Not me. Now I have SAD.  But it is the reverse - too much sunshine.  Really!  Day in and day out of sunshine makes me crazy!  Add to that the dryness, the brown and especially the WIND and I find myself wanting to crawl into bed and hibernating.  He laughs at me, but it is real.  This year has been particularly windy.  And to make matters worse, they are building a new subdivision behind our house and there is tons of dust blowing too. Plus I have allergies to something in the desert that makes breathing challenging. Not a great combination. 

Today marks so many days in a row of heavy winds that I have lost count. The doors and windows were open and just the sound of the wind blowing was making me crazy.  I went through the house and shut all the windows and doors, closed the drapes and turned on the AC.  I curled up on the sofa and turned on the TV.  Suddenly, I realized this is how Jeff must have felt in Ohio.

Now, this is sounding like a very negative post, and that is not my intention. What this is an acknowledgement of how environment effects me, and all of us. Each of us has an environmental match, whether it’s based on heritage, physiology, or just preference.  It is good to pay attention to that when you’er making decisions on where to live! 

A good friend said to me, when I was complaining to her about the weather, “Bloom where you’er planted!”  And, I have taken that advice to heart.  But somedays it’s hard and today is one of them.  The good news, eventually the wind will stop!  (Plus I'm headed to the beautiful pacific northwest for a month in just two days!! Just the escape I need!)

Appendectomy and Quitting Smoking Contributed to Hashimoto’s Disease?

Odd Coincidences or Fact??

This week I learned the most odd information.  I’ve been following a Hashimoto’s disease

Facebook group for a few months and everyday I learn something more about my disease, symptoms and treatment.  This week I learned two interesting facts:

1. Smoking may suppress the Hashimoto’s antibodies.  Many people are diagnosed after quitting smoking.
   
2. A lot of people in the group were diagnosed after having their appendix removed. (Research now finds that the appendix plays a role in storing good bacteria and helps with the digestive process.)

At first, I read about the smoking.  Then a few days later I read about the appendix findings.  I was stunned.  In 1984 I was rushed to the hospital and had emergency surgery because my appendix had ruptured.  At that time I was smoking, and believe it or not hospitals allowed you to smoke in your room.  That sounds totally crazy but it was true.  I remember being so sick and scared, but as soon as I was stable I asked for my cigarettes, and lit up.  I shared a hospital room with another smoker who had had major surgery too.  On the second day after surgery we were both smoking and talking and I accidentally dropped my cigarette.  Neither of us could get out of bed, so I had to call the nurse.  Right then I had one of those “ah ha” moments of clarity - how completely crazy was this!  Two days earlier I was writhing in pain afraid I was dying and now I am laying in a hospital with a huge incision in my belly, smoking a cigarette, and I am about to burn the place down. I knew in that second that I had to quit.

A week later I was out of the hospital and I signed up for a smoking cessation class through the American Caner Society.  Six weeks later I was a non smoker!  

Less that three months after that I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Disease. 

Coincidence? How could it be?  On the Facebook Hashimoto’s group there was a multitude of people who had either quit smoking and were diagnosed or had the onset of the disease after an appendectomy. Interestingly, both happened to me nearly simultaneously. I am still trying to get my mind around it. Having my appendix removed and then quitting smoking were the catalysts for this disease to take hold in my body.  Very strange.

There is one more factor that may have also played a role.  At the age of 5 I had my tonsils removed.  Not because they were causing me problems, no.  My brother was getting his removed due to chronic infections, so my Mom decided that I should have my removed as well.  So my otherwise healthy tonsils were removed, doctors thinking they were not necessary at the time.  Research I have found today tells a different story. The tonsils play a role (along with the appendix) in a healthy immune system. "Both the appendix and tonsils are lymphoid organs and thus components of the body's immune system." says Terry Pfau, DO, HMD. So, did this also play a role in the development of my disease?  There is certainly a lot of circumstantial evidence.

When I think back on my history I realize that there are so many factors that played into this illness that it would be impossible to pinpoint a cause.  But this information provides some huge clues.  I believe that there was already something going on in my system long before the appendectomy or quitting smoking. Maybe it began with having my tonsils removed, who knows? The shocking part for me to realize is that I have been dealing with this for nearly half my life and it’s just now that I am really beginning to understand this disease and all the implications.  I regret it has taken so long, but am grateful I am finally beginning to understand my body and heal myself!

Resources:

  

Scientists Finally Discover the Function of the Human Appendix

Cigarette Smoking and Thyroid Disease

Keep Your Tonsils and Appendix

SWEET: Are Artificial Sweeteners Addictive?

Addiction comes in many forms . . .

While sitting in Starbucks writing a blog post about my issues with addictions, a guy sat down at a table next to me.  He had ordered what looked like an iced coffee.  He piled a stack

of blue packets in front of him, the aspartame sweetener Equal.  He then took at at least ten, tore off the tops and poured them in his drink.  He took another pile of packets and repeated the process.  Honestly, he put at least 20 packets in his drink.  My mouth nearly dropped open and I held back a gasp.  He looked to be in his 60’s, very chubby and not healthy looking at all.  I couldn’t help thinking about what was going on in his body.  If he poured that much sweetener in his drink here, what did he do at home.  How much of this toxic chemical was he ingesting every day?

It made me think.  Was he choosing it because he thought it was better than sugar?  Was he diabetic? Was he trying to lose weight?  I really wanted to ask him, but I didn’t have the nerve. He was with his granddaughter and they seemed to be having a really nice time together.  What I really wondered, was he addicted?  Did he use it as a replacement for sugar and it had begun addiction of it’s own.

I remember years ago, before I understood the toxic  dangers of artificial sweeteners, I used it regularly. After all I was a professional dieter.  Sugar was bad, sweetener was good.  There were a host of artificial sweetened foods that I loved, not to mention all the diet beverages I consumed. Then, I attended the Whole Life Expo in Toronto in 1999 and I heard two presentations, “Sweet Poisons: Sugar and Aspartame” and “The Politics of Sugar and Aspartame” by Dr. Carolyn Dean.  That information changed everything. After listening to her I understood just how toxic artificial sweeteners are to our bodies, and in particular, aspartame.  I also learned about the politics and economics of these chemicals and how the US government and big corporations were not at all interested in the health or the well being of people. Money was the foundation of this poison. Immediately I stopped eating and/or drinking anything that contained any artificial sweetener.  From that Expo in 1999 until his day I have not consciously ingested it.  If I unintentionally eat something that has it as an ingredient I can taste it immediately!  It has a distinct chemical taste and bitter aftertaste.

Now I understand it, artificial sweeteners in any form, are part of the toxic environment that
our bodies are subjected to on a daily basis in today’s world. They are part of what is contributing to illness, addiction, inflammation, etc. It’s what people have to use detox programs to detox from! Most people, like this guy sitting next to me at Starbucks, use it freely and believe he’s probably doing some good for himself.  This is what the manufacturers want you to believe, they advertise and promote it that way.  Their bottom line is profit and building a consumer base, not health. They want you to keep buying their productions, the bottom line. 

This got me thinking about brain chemistry.  If you have a chemical imbalance in your brain and you use tons of artificial sweeteners (toxic chemicals) how does that effect it? Does it contribute to further imbalance?  Or does it create imbalance?  Does it become it's own addiction?  I’m not sure.  But, I'm really I stopped using it so many years ago! Geez, I've got enough issues.

Do you use it?  Please consider giving it up!  When you hear the word sugar-free take it as a warning - toxic danger!  Below are some links I encourage you to use. If you don’t have time to read, then I suggest you watch the video.  It’s a good one with lots of information about the dangers of sweeteners.

Video:
Are Artificial Sweeteners Dangerous? 

Articles:
Artificial Sweeteners More Dangerous Then You Ever Imagined

Sweet Addiction: Artificial Sweeteners Not So Sweet After All

Artificial Sweeteners Increase the Brain’s Sugar Cravings 

Top 4 Most Dangerous Artificial Sweeteners

Part 5: Surrender & Moving On

Moving Forward into a New Phase of Healing

Where to go from here. . .  I’ve been contemplating that over the past few days as I have been writing this series.  Purging my history and telling the story of my addiction had been

healing and cleansing.  Recognizing that I am not at fault is a gift that I can hardly describe in words.  Getting my head around that aspect may be the hardest.  I have lived with the shame, regret and self-condemnation for so long it feels like who I am.  Although the bigger part of me, the spiritual core always knew different, I’ve continued to struggle.  Now I recognize that it has been part of my journey to wholeness, another lesson to teach me about surrender, compassion and forgiveness. 

When I think about moving forward with my healing, I know I have to approach it differently than before. Here are the key issues I want to address:

• Autoimmune Disease - Hashimoto’s thyroid issues
• Brain Chemistry Balancing - Identifying the specific imbalances that need treatment
• Body Wisdom - Continuing to listen to my body and connect with it on a deeper level
• Live my new “Yoga of Being” Philosophy - being present and detached from outcomes & ego
• Simplifying - Living more simply and defining what that means to me today, at this stage of my life
• Speaking My Truth - Continue to live authentically and address the issues that came up with my parathyroid tumor in New Mexico

I’m a planner.  Yes, I am.  So this process is helping me a lot.  But, I also see that my desire for simplicity is a priority as well as my choice of living my newly named “yoga of being” lifestyle.  Those two components are making it a compelling challenge.  How to develop a Phase II healing plan without making it rigid and complicated.  There has to be a way to ease into it. I trust the way will be shown.

Meanwhile, I thought I would review the list of symptoms I complied when I started this program in January and see where I am now. I found the list and counted - there were 30 symptoms.  I was shocked, but yet remembered each one of them clearly.  I checked off the ones I no longer struggled with and I was left with just five. Hashimoto’s - Autoimmune disease, extra weight (I've lost over 40 lbs but still need to lose another 60!),  rosacea (although it was much better), heart palpitations (thyroid meds aren’t right yet), itchy skin and still a few self sabotaging behaviors. Compared to the previous list of 30 that included some major issues, I was feeling pretty good with my list of five! Two that I was so happy to see resolved were sleep and digestion.  Getting quality sleep had been a challenge for me for years, and now I am sleeping soundly, deeply and feeling refreshed in the morning. 

That is a huge change! Sleep is something that effects every area of your life and plays a role in healing the body on a cellular level.  Digestion has been a problem for me since I was a kid. With the help of healthy AIP eating and my new favorite drink, kombucha, I no longer suffer any digestive issues. No more bloating, acid indigestion, gastrointestinal distress or constipation. I can’t stress enough how much better I feel being “regular."  It is a thing of beauty!

Looks like I am ready to “lean into” the next phase of my healing.  I want to thank you all for sticking with me through this Addiction Series.  It was difficult to be so vulnerable and expose some of my stories around addiction, yet I just kept writing.  It is a story I want to tell because I know there are many other people just like me.  Maybe by telling my story I might help someone else and that would make it all worth while.  

Big love,

Part 4: Finally Getting It - The Big Breakthrough

Honoring the Messages from my Body

Stopping the protocol seemed like a mistake, but on the other hand I knew my body was trying to tell me something.  I got out my pendulum and tested the amino acids. (Using the pendulum is similar to muscle testing and normally very accurate.)  I held each bottle in my hand and the pendulum responded negatively to each one.  I sat there at the table with the bottles in front of me wondering what to do next.  Was it possible that they had done their job and repaired the imbalance?  I wasn’t sure what to do. When I had tested them months early it responded with a quick and powerful positive response.  Either I trusted my body and the wisdom of the pendulum, or I didn’t.  After a few minutes I decided.  I was going to stop taking them and see what happened.  I emailed my doctor and told him I was stopping the protocol. Then I searched the internet for some more research on the therapy.  Just so you know, I’ve done this a lot.  When my doc first suggested it I searched the internet high and low reading everything I could find about “amino acid therapy”.  I thought I had read it all, but as the Universe would have it, on this day I found something I had never found before.  I found Julia Ross.  She is a pioneer in addiction therapy, using amino acids to repair brain imbalances.  It was one of those moments - if my life were a movie trumpets would have been playing in the background.  This day I was being led to this woman and her books, The Mood Cure and more importantly, The Diet Cure.  Again, little did I know that my decision to stop the protocol advised by my naturopath would led me to this book and the information inside that would change the course of my life.

At the book store I found The Diet Cure.  I held it in my hand, and flipped through the pages.  It opened to a page that talked about stopping the supplements - just what I wanted to know. She wrote about how the chemistry can be healed and you can go off the supplements without any side effects, but if needed you can go back on and realize the benefits within hours.  I flipped to another page that talked about the different types of amino acids and the ways they help heal different aspects of imbalance. She wrote about targeting the supplements to the specific chemical imbalances:

• Serotonin for sleep and a natural anti-depressant
• GABA a natural tranquilizer
• Catecholamines for energy and mental focus
• Endorphins the natural comfort chemical
• And glucose to keep blood levels stable.  

With her program you can target a specific problem and use the amino acid supplements to balance that unique brain deficiency.  It was an incredible resource.  I realized that my doctor was right about the amino acids, but he had been doing the shotgun approach - I’d been taking all the different types. Now I understood that it was likely I didn’t need them all and my body had been letting me know.  This new information would allow me to pin-point specific cravings and treat them individually. It was time for me to transition into a new phase of recovery.

Meanwhile I found the podcasts and started listening to Julia Ross as I took my daily walks. I was like a sponge soaking in all this new information.  Everything she was talking about made sense and it was like she was talking about my life and my addition issues.  This was information I had been waiting my entire life to hear! Now it was here. I realized that she understood this on a level far beyond my naturopath and had worked specifically with this therapy since the 80’s. She even talked about new information that has been coming out over the past few years about the addictive quality of sugar.  Finally science was confirming what many of us had known for years.  She talked about treating thousands of people and having fantastic success rates.  It was clear to me that I was ready.  This was the next step in my healing.

I’ve been processing all this new information and have come up with a few ideas.  Having identified myself as a addict for the majority of my life, it is exciting to see this in a new light.  Here is what I learned so far and how how it has played out in my life:

• I was born with a predisposition to have brain chemistry imbalance, not addiction.
• The factors of my childhood (fear, stress, isolation, abuse, etc.) kicked off the imbalance.
• Crash and starvation dieting created an environment of fight or flight, survival level metabolism issues, depleting the brain even further, causing increased cravings for carbs.
• The survival needs of the brain over shadowed my will power and the cravings for carbs and stimulants to feed the brain always won. (Again it’s about survival!)
• It was a natural progression from food, caffeine, nicotine to alcohol, then drugs, then back to food again, each feeding the neurotransmitter imbalance. 
• All the “reasons” behind eating and using were based on the need to feed the imbalance - comfort, alleviate depression, reduce stress, lessen anxiety, relax, etc.  
• It has never been about will power or my ability or inability to lose weight.
• The brain chemistry imbalance has created a environment of disease and inflammation in my body from years of using inefficient sources of fuel to feed the imbalance. (Sugar, carbs, caffeine, drugs, etc.) All it ever needed was proper amino acids.
• The twenty-first century diet - artificial additives, GMO’s, high fructose corn syrup, over processed everything, plus intentionally added addictive ingredients in foods make it difficult to stop the dysfunctional process. It creates an environment of carb addiction.
• My self confidence and esteem issues were exacerbated by my brain chemistry imbalance making if hard for me to make sound decisions that were in my best interest. A life long issue.
• I understood that the addictive behavior I started displaying at a very early age was not about some flaw in my personality, but it was a biochemical reaction within my body.  My brain chemistry was out of balance and it desperately needed to get the chemicals it required to survive.  So the cravings began.  Once I ingested something that gave the brain what it needed, I couldn’t stop! 
• The carbs, drugs, caffeine, etc. were short term solutions.  Over time they did less and less so more and more were needed.  The real imbalance was never addressed. 

Until now!  Now I have the proof - my own reaction to treatment over the past four months.  I know that the amino acid treatment works for me and real change has occurred.  The biggest and most profound change has been my feelings about myself.  No longer do I see myself as a person without willpower or control.  I understand that I have had a life long imbalance that has gone untreated.  It is not a character flaw.  It is not a lack of discipline or self control.

Now I'm ready to move into the next phase of my healing.  I can start this next phase with a better understanding of who I am and what I need to face.  I'm excited and ready.  The best part is I get to let go of all the self-blame, shame and the exhaustive searching for an answer.  At last I have it! 

This is the end of Part 4.  The final post, Part 5 is coming soon!

Part 3: Addiction, Brain Chemistry and Sanity

Awakening to the Truth 

Thinking back about my history of addiction and writing these posts have not been easy.  There is so much shame with being an addict.  The out-of-control behavior, around food in particular, in a society that blames the user, is difficult.  I completely bought into that thinking. Blaming, shaming and beating myself up was a skill I excelled at.  My body was the identified problem and I turned against it. The combination of self hatred, the cravings, the behavior patterns and the hopelessness were powerful.  I had read everything, tired everything, and about given up.  There was this whole part of me that knew I was okay, but a bigger part of me kept desperately  seeking a solution, a cure for my weakness and inability to lose weight and be “normal.” 

Little did I know that the solution was inside my brain. You see I was born with a combination of factors that created an imbalance of the chemistry in my brain.  My addition was triggered by my life (stress, fear, trauma, starvation diets) and exacerbated by ingesting the carbs my body craved to feed it.  The chemical imbalance drove me to crave more and more.  The combination of sugar, flour and fat was like heroin to my brain. Chocolate was like crack.  The imbalance, the craving and bingeing, along with the stressors of  my life created even more issues - adrenal exhaustion, stomach and digestion troubles (I was chronically constipated), sleep issues, anxiety problems, mood disorders, depression. (I even think it contributed to the diagnosis of Hashimoto’s and is also why I had to have an emergency appendectomy at 29.) Not to mention all the self-hatred and frustration over trying to “fix” the identified problem (my weight).  

I clearly remember as a teenager being so fixated on losing weight that I went on a starvation diet - eating only one boiled egg and a grapefruit a day.  I would exercise like crazy, doing sit-ups, push-ups and running. It felt so good to experience my stomach growling, it gave me a high.  This style of dieting started when I was 10 years old and continued off and on my entire life.  The off times were spent binging and overeating like a maniac on sugar and starch.  It is a crazy cycle that made me feel like I a powerless, out-of-control maniac. 

It wasn’t until I started the amino acid protocol that Dr. Maki suggested that I began to experience something different. A few weeks in I noticed that I was sleeping better and feeling more centered.  The old feelings of self condemnation seemed to be fading, and I was feeling more confident.  I noticed that I wasn’t craving sweets or carbs.  I was on the AIP diet which was an elimination diet, so I thought that may be part of it.  But the diet seemed easy, and I was even leaving food on my plate.  Something weird was going on! There were no feelings of “poor me, I can’t eat this or that”.  Yes, something was different.

It's been over four months.  But during the past few weeks it’s become more and more difficult for me to take the amino acid pills.  The protocol calls for taking them four times a day and each dose is between 6 to 8 pills.  I could hardly swallow them, each day it got harder and harder, my body just rejecting them. Then I started having stomach aches after taking them.  It took me a few days to make the connection that the pills and the stomach ache were related.  I started thinking it may be time to stop, but I was afraid.  I didn’t want to mess anything up, especially in my brain.  Plus I didn’t want to jeopardize the new way I was feeling. Was I sabotaging myself? I wasn't sure, but I knew I had to listen to my body. Something was going on, I needed to play attention.

Again, sychronicity was at play . . . 

End of Part 3.  Look for Part 4 tomorrow.

Part 2: Chocolate Insantiy

Facing Reality of Addiction

I arrived at the Cleveland airport at 11:30 at night.  I picked up my car from long term parking and headed home.  I was feeling sad, crazy and out of control.  The box of chocolates was sitting on the seat next to me - it was like it had a huge presence - bigger than life.  I kept looking at it and eventually reached over and took a piece, there weren't many left. I popped it into my mouth and the sugary sensation felt like a jolt of adrenaline. It was a complete rush that flooded my body and my brain. I could feel the chemical reaction like it was a drug. At that moment I had a flash of clarity. I had to stop.  With one hand I opened the window, with the other I grabbed the box and threw it out onto the freeway.  A feeling of panic raced through me, I nearly braked to jump out and get it.  But, I continued to drive with my heart pumping, realizing that I was one crazy, f*#king mess! I had become one of those people, the ones who came to meetings, found their sanity, lost weight and felt terrific, but then one day ate some cookies and went mad.  It was hard to believe this was happening to me.  

The next day I went to a meeting and never told anyone I had lost my “abstinence”.  I convinced myself that I could get back on the program and take back control of my life.  The next day I went to another meeting, on the way home I stopped at a little store that had an Amish Bakery and I bought a coconut cream pie.  I went home and ate the entire pie. That was the beginning of the end of my Food Addiction 12-step recovery.  Over the next several months I went back and forth with eating, going to meetings, re-starting the food plan, cheating, binging, going to meetings, etc. The weight started coming back on and I felt like I was going insane.  In a few weeks I had gained 30 pounds. The shame I felt was enormous.  I had been so righteous and clean, leading meetings, working the program, the FAA Queen.  I was humiliated, scared, depressed and the desire for sugar was so strong it scared the hell out of me. Eventually I stopped going to meetings, I would hide out trying not to see anyone because of the shame I had about gaining weight. Over the next few months I gained nearly 70 pounds. Little by little I went deeper into depression and all I wanted to do was escape (and eat).  Shame, regret and self-condemnation were my constant companions.  Day and night I was grieving what I had lost and would try over and over again to get it back, with no success.  

When the call came from my step-dad asking me to consider coming home to help them, it seemed like the perfect solution.  I could leave behind all this history and start new.  I could stop hiding at the grocery store when I saw someone I knew for fear they wouldn’t recognize me or, worse, they would say “Oh my god what happened to you!”  The shame had become so big it was like a dark cloud that followed me everywhere.  I wanted to be free. So, without truly thinking it through, I jumped.  We moved back to California in the summer of 2010.  A fresh start. I could leave behind all the shame, fear, regret and hopefully the addiction. 

But, that’s not what happened. All the issues moved with me.  I just didn’t have to hide from people in the grocery store. Since losing my “abstinence” I’d gained back nearly 120 of the 170 pounds I’d originally lost.  Coming back “home” to California was the escape I needed, but along with all my Ohio issues it opened up another set of issues that I had avoided considering when I was so desperate to leave.  Returning to the home town I left when I was 18, and living close to my parents, whom I only visited occasionally over the past 20 years was a big adjustment.  I left the desert at 18 because I couldn’t wait to get away.  I hated the desert. It didn’t take long until I  remembered why.  I left home at 18 because I felt like no one really knew or understood me, I felt like an alien in my own family.  That hadn’t changed either.  However, the gift of this decision has been facing all the issues I have run from since I was a kid.  They have all come back to visit me, and now in my late 50’s I can deal with them in a whole new way with a maturity and understanding I would never been able to any earlier.

  

In the past year the biggest change has occurred.  I was diagnosed with the tumor in my throat and I had to face that along with the issues of my Hashimoto's thyroiditis - the autoimmune disease.  For nearly 30 years I have been dealing with an out of whack thyroid and all that entails and have never treated the real problem.  Thanks to an amazing naturopath doctor, Robert Maki, I have begun to heal.  He also explained to me about the amino acid protocol late last year and asked me to consider it.  I researched it and after some conversations decided to give it a try.  At the same time I found the book The Paleo Approach by Sarah Ballantyne, The 21 Day Sugar Detox by Diane Sanfilippo and a Facebook group called Hashimoto’s 411.  These things have been life changing!  Since January 2014 I have been following the autoimmune protocol food plan and taking the amino acids as prescribed by Dr. Maki.

It was being diagnosed with the tumor that led to the transformation!  It was the catalyst for change and the pivotal point that led to the amazing synchronicities that occurred during my trip to New Mexico.  It’s about how I became Zia and what that means to me.  This is part of a process that is continuing to unfold.

Little did I know that I would be facing a bigger truth, one I never expected.

End of part 2.  Look for Part 3 tomorrow.