Thinking back about my history of addiction and writing these posts have not been easy. There is so much shame with being an addict. The out-of-control behavior, around food in particular, in a society that blames the user, is difficult. I completely bought into that thinking. Blaming, shaming and beating myself up was a skill I excelled at. My body was the identified problem and I turned against it. The combination of self hatred, the cravings, the behavior patterns and the hopelessness were powerful. I had read everything, tired everything, and about given up. There was this whole part of me that knew I was okay, but a bigger part of me kept desperately seeking a solution, a cure for my weakness and inability to lose weight and be “normal.”
Little did I know that the solution was inside my brain. You see I was born with a combination of factors that created an imbalance of the chemistry in my brain. My addition was triggered by my life (stress, fear, trauma, starvation diets) and exacerbated by ingesting the carbs my body craved to feed it. The chemical imbalance drove me to crave more and more. The combination of sugar, flour and fat was like heroin to my brain. Chocolate was like crack. The imbalance, the craving and bingeing, along with the stressors of my life created even more issues - adrenal exhaustion, stomach and digestion troubles (I was chronically constipated), sleep issues, anxiety problems, mood disorders, depression. (I even think it contributed to the diagnosis of Hashimoto’s and is also why I had to have an emergency appendectomy at 29.) Not to mention all the self-hatred and frustration over trying to “fix” the identified problem (my weight).
I clearly remember as a teenager being so fixated on losing weight that I went on a starvation diet - eating only one boiled egg and a grapefruit a day. I would exercise like crazy, doing sit-ups, push-ups and running. It felt so good to experience my stomach growling, it gave me a high. This style of dieting started when I was 10 years old and continued off and on my entire life. The off times were spent binging and overeating like a maniac on sugar and starch. It is a crazy cycle that made me feel like I a powerless, out-of-control maniac.
It wasn’t until I started the amino acid protocol that Dr. Maki suggested that I began to experience something different. A few weeks in I noticed that I was sleeping better and feeling more centered. The old feelings of self condemnation seemed to be fading, and I was feeling more confident. I noticed that I wasn’t craving sweets or carbs. I was on the AIP diet which was an elimination diet, so I thought that may be part of it. But the diet seemed easy, and I was even leaving food on my plate. Something weird was going on! There were no feelings of “poor me, I can’t eat this or that”. Yes, something was different.
It's been over four months. But during the past few weeks it’s become more and more difficult for me to take the amino acid pills. The protocol calls for taking them four times a day and each dose is between 6 to 8 pills. I could hardly swallow them, each day it got harder and harder, my body just rejecting them. Then I started having stomach aches after taking them. It took me a few days to make the connection that the pills and the stomach ache were related. I started thinking it may be time to stop, but I was afraid. I didn’t want to mess anything up, especially in my brain. Plus I didn’t want to jeopardize the new way I was feeling. Was I sabotaging myself? I wasn't sure, but I knew I had to listen to my body. Something was going on, I needed to play attention.
I want to read part 4 now! I don't want to wait!
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