Part 2: Chocolate Insantiy

Facing Reality of Addiction

I arrived at the Cleveland airport at 11:30 at night.  I picked up my car from long term parking and headed home.  I was feeling sad, crazy and out of control.  The box of chocolates was sitting on the seat next to me - it was like it had a huge presence - bigger than life.  I kept looking at it and eventually reached over and took a piece, there weren't many left. I popped it into my mouth and the sugary sensation felt like a jolt of adrenaline. It was a complete rush that flooded my body and my brain. I could feel the chemical reaction like it was a drug. At that moment I had a flash of clarity. I had to stop.  With one hand I opened the window, with the other I grabbed the box and threw it out onto the freeway.  A feeling of panic raced through me, I nearly braked to jump out and get it.  But, I continued to drive with my heart pumping, realizing that I was one crazy, f*#king mess! I had become one of those people, the ones who came to meetings, found their sanity, lost weight and felt terrific, but then one day ate some cookies and went mad.  It was hard to believe this was happening to me.  

The next day I went to a meeting and never told anyone I had lost my “abstinence”.  I convinced myself that I could get back on the program and take back control of my life.  The next day I went to another meeting, on the way home I stopped at a little store that had an Amish Bakery and I bought a coconut cream pie.  I went home and ate the entire pie. That was the beginning of the end of my Food Addiction 12-step recovery.  Over the next several months I went back and forth with eating, going to meetings, re-starting the food plan, cheating, binging, going to meetings, etc. The weight started coming back on and I felt like I was going insane.  In a few weeks I had gained 30 pounds. The shame I felt was enormous.  I had been so righteous and clean, leading meetings, working the program, the FAA Queen.  I was humiliated, scared, depressed and the desire for sugar was so strong it scared the hell out of me. Eventually I stopped going to meetings, I would hide out trying not to see anyone because of the shame I had about gaining weight. Over the next few months I gained nearly 70 pounds. Little by little I went deeper into depression and all I wanted to do was escape (and eat).  Shame, regret and self-condemnation were my constant companions.  Day and night I was grieving what I had lost and would try over and over again to get it back, with no success.  

When the call came from my step-dad asking me to consider coming home to help them, it seemed like the perfect solution.  I could leave behind all this history and start new.  I could stop hiding at the grocery store when I saw someone I knew for fear they wouldn’t recognize me or, worse, they would say “Oh my god what happened to you!”  The shame had become so big it was like a dark cloud that followed me everywhere.  I wanted to be free. So, without truly thinking it through, I jumped.  We moved back to California in the summer of 2010.  A fresh start. I could leave behind all the shame, fear, regret and hopefully the addiction. 

But, that’s not what happened. All the issues moved with me.  I just didn’t have to hide from people in the grocery store. Since losing my “abstinence” I’d gained back nearly 120 of the 170 pounds I’d originally lost.  Coming back “home” to California was the escape I needed, but along with all my Ohio issues it opened up another set of issues that I had avoided considering when I was so desperate to leave.  Returning to the home town I left when I was 18, and living close to my parents, whom I only visited occasionally over the past 20 years was a big adjustment.  I left the desert at 18 because I couldn’t wait to get away.  I hated the desert. It didn’t take long until I  remembered why.  I left home at 18 because I felt like no one really knew or understood me, I felt like an alien in my own family.  That hadn’t changed either.  However, the gift of this decision has been facing all the issues I have run from since I was a kid.  They have all come back to visit me, and now in my late 50’s I can deal with them in a whole new way with a maturity and understanding I would never been able to any earlier.

  

In the past year the biggest change has occurred.  I was diagnosed with the tumor in my throat and I had to face that along with the issues of my Hashimoto's thyroiditis - the autoimmune disease.  For nearly 30 years I have been dealing with an out of whack thyroid and all that entails and have never treated the real problem.  Thanks to an amazing naturopath doctor, Robert Maki, I have begun to heal.  He also explained to me about the amino acid protocol late last year and asked me to consider it.  I researched it and after some conversations decided to give it a try.  At the same time I found the book The Paleo Approach by Sarah Ballantyne, The 21 Day Sugar Detox by Diane Sanfilippo and a Facebook group called Hashimoto’s 411.  These things have been life changing!  Since January 2014 I have been following the autoimmune protocol food plan and taking the amino acids as prescribed by Dr. Maki.

It was being diagnosed with the tumor that led to the transformation!  It was the catalyst for change and the pivotal point that led to the amazing synchronicities that occurred during my trip to New Mexico.  It’s about how I became Zia and what that means to me.  This is part of a process that is continuing to unfold.

Little did I know that I would be facing a bigger truth, one I never expected.

End of part 2.  Look for Part 3 tomorrow.