Something happened this week that has opened me up in a way I never imagined. First I had the deep realization that the amino acid brain balancing protocol that I have been following is working, really working. I feel completely different. Secondly, in my research for more understanding of the protocol and the process I found a woman who has been treating people with amino acids since the 80’s and has amazing success. Her name is Julia Ross and she has written a book about it called The Diet Cure. I’ve started reading the book and I’ve listened to her being interviewed on several podcasts. Each time I have had moments of insight with the information clicking like pieces of a puzzle coming together. It is the complete and absolute truth. At least in my life experience.
Since I was a young girl I have had addiction issues. The first time I smoked (at age 12), I chain smoked half a pack of cigarettes. The first time I had alcohol (151 proof rum) I drank until I couldn't stand. I even remember a time as a teenager when I took six straws and put them in a six pack of beer and drank them all at ounce. Now that is crazy behavior. There
was nothing ever half way for me. More was always better. Once when I was about 9 I found a box of my Mom’s diet candies called “Ayds” and I ate the entire box, hiding the wrappers and the box in the trash when I was done. That was just the beginning of a lifetime of addictive behavior. In my 20’s I moved on to drugs and by the time I was 30 I was addicted to cocaine, crystal meth and alcohol. All the while smoking 2-3 packs of cigarettes a day. During that time I over dosed twice, the last time was so frightening that I honestly thought I was going to die. It was a wake up call that I couldn’t ignore.
When I gave up the drugs, alcohol and cigarettes I turned to food. The year I quit using I gained 80 pounds. This was also the year I was diagnosed the Hashimoto's thyroiditis, a autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid tissue. It slowed down my metabolism and made it even easier for me to gain weight. I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me. I was an out of control addict with no self respect. I berated myself daily (hourly) and continually pledged that I would change, lose weight, get control of my life. Deep inside I knew that I was a flawed, weak willed loser, that just lacked self-discipline. All I wanted was to lose weight, act normal and be happy. But that always eluded me. For decades I searched for a cure; the right diet, therapy, self-help books or some program that would “fix me” and heal this crazy addictive behavior I struggled with daily.
In the early 2000's I found a program called Food Addicts Anonymous. The program was like AA, but with food. The premise was that I was addicted to certain foods and the only way to recover was to abstain from the addictive substances and follow the 12 steps of recovery. When I found this program I was elated! It taught that I was not the problem, but the addiction was. I could finally forgive myself for my compulsive behavior. I decided to give the program 90 days and see what happened. I had to give up all sugar, flour, wheat and high sugar fruits like bananas. Within a few weeks I felt like a new person. It was wonderful. The day I started the program I weighed over 340 pounds, a little over a year later I had lost over 170 pounds and finally had my life back! I kept it off for over 5 years, but as the time wore on it became harder and harder for me to follow the program. I went to three meetings a week and introduced myself each time as “Cindy, a food addict”. The program taught me that I was powerless over my addiction and that I had to adhere to the steps and the food plan or face relapse. And, I had seen it. Many people came into the program, but one by one they would eat cake, cookies, or pasta and you’d never see them at a meeting again. I vowed that I would not be one of those people. I sponsored people, I went to meetings, made phone calls, worked the steps, performed service, even went to conventions. I was a model 12 stepper.
At the same time I was part of a spiritual study group hoping to bolster my spiritual life. I also practiced yoga and studied the yoga philosophy. These teachings were empowering and I began to see myself as whole, not flawed. I also began to feel uncomfortable continually defining myself as “Cindy, a food addict.” At meetings I stopped saying it, and just introduced myself as “Cindy”. It started becoming clear to me that I had been white knuckling my recovery and some thing was keeping me from fully surrendering to the program. I was beginning to have doubts. I realized that I had turned my recovery into another addiction. It was a difficult time of soul searching. All the while I was fighting cravings for sugar and carbs. I had begun to binge on brown rice and butter. I started to question everything, especially my own process.
In May 2008, nearly 6 years in recovery I decided to have a piece of ice cream cake at my granddaughter's third birthday party. I knew it was a risk, but I took it. The cake led to gelato at Whole Foods the next day. The following day I flew to California to visit my parents and I ate a piece of chocolate. That night I was up searching the house for more and discovered a stash of 2 lb Trader Joe’s dark chocolate almond candy bars. I opened one and ate a piece, then another, then another, and finished off the entire 2 pounds. I hid the wrapper in my suitcase, and laid awake wondering what in the hell was happening to me. I felt like a drug addict looking for a fix. All I could think about was getting MORE! For the rest of my visit I pretended to be fine, eating program food, but then going alone to Starbucks drinking sugary drinks and eating sweets, staying up at night eating chocolate. I was going crazy and my addiction was off and running. At the airport, on the way home, I stopped at the See’s Candy shop and bought a box of mixed chocolates, slid them in my carry-on and as soon as the flight took off I started eating them. Discreetly, I kept reaching into my carry-on bag, hoping no one noticed that I was completely obsessed with getting more chocolate! It was like I was possessed. Trying to act normal and do it calmly was nearly more than I could handle. I could hardly control myself. It felt like some one or something had taken over my body.
This is the end of Part 1. Look for Part 2 tomorrow.
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