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5.10.2014

Part 1: Facing Addiction

The Truth About Food & Carb Addiction


Something happened this week that has opened me up in a way I never imagined.  First I had the deep realization that the amino acid brain balancing protocol that I have been following is working, really working. I feel completely different. Secondly, in my research for more understanding of the protocol and the process I found a woman who has been treating people with amino acids since the 80’s and has amazing success.  Her name is Julia Ross and she has written a book about it called The Diet Cure.  I’ve started reading the book and I’ve listened to her being interviewed on several podcasts. Each time I have had moments of insight with the information clicking like pieces of a puzzle coming together.  It is the complete and absolute truth. At least in my life experience.

Here is a link to one of the podcasts. How to Beat Carb Addiction: Julia Ross

Since I was a young girl I have had addiction issues. The first time I smoked (at age 12), I chain smoked half a pack of cigarettes.  The first time I had alcohol (151 proof rum) I drank until I couldn't stand. I even remember a time as a teenager when I took six straws and put them in a six pack of beer and drank them all at ounce.  Now that is crazy behavior.  There
was nothing ever half way for me. More was always better.  Once when I was about 9 I found a box of my Mom’s diet candies called “Ayds” and I ate the entire box, hiding the wrappers and the box in the trash when I was done. That was just the beginning of a lifetime of addictive behavior.  In my 20’s I moved on to drugs and by the time I was 30 I was addicted to cocaine, crystal meth and alcohol.  All the while smoking 2-3 packs of cigarettes a day. During that time I over dosed twice, the last time was so frightening that I honestly thought I was going to die.  It was a wake up call that I couldn’t ignore.

When I gave up the drugs, alcohol and cigarettes I turned to food.  The year I quit using I gained 80 pounds. This was also the year I was diagnosed the Hashimoto's thyroiditis, a autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid tissue. It slowed down my metabolism and made it even easier for me to gain weight.  I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me.  I was an out of control addict with no self respect.  I berated myself daily (hourly) and continually pledged that I would change, lose weight, get control of my life.  Deep inside I knew that I was a flawed, weak willed loser, that just lacked self-discipline.  All I wanted was to lose weight, act normal and be happy.  But that always eluded me.  For decades I searched for a cure; the right diet, therapy, self-help books or some program that would “fix me” and heal this crazy addictive behavior I struggled with daily. 

In the early 2000's I found a program called Food Addicts Anonymous.  The program was like AA, but with food.  The premise was that I was addicted to certain foods and the only way to recover was to abstain from the addictive substances and follow the 12 steps of recovery.  When I found this program I was elated!  It taught that I was not the problem, but the addiction was.  I could finally forgive myself for my compulsive behavior.  I decided to give the program 90 days and see what happened.  I had to give up all sugar, flour, wheat and high sugar fruits like bananas.  Within a few weeks I felt like a new person.  It was wonderful.  The day I started the program I weighed over 340 pounds, a little over a year later I had lost over 170 pounds and finally had my life back!   I kept it off for over 5 years, but as the time wore on it became harder and harder for me to follow the program.  I went to three meetings a week and introduced myself  each time as “Cindy, a food addict”.  The program taught me that I was powerless over my addiction and that I had to adhere to the steps and the food plan or face relapse.  And, I had seen it.  Many people came into the program, but one by one they would eat cake, cookies, or pasta and you’d never see them at a meeting again.  I vowed that I would not be one of those people. I sponsored people, I went to meetings, made phone calls, worked the steps, performed service, even went to conventions.  I was a model 12 stepper. 

At the same time I was part of a spiritual study group hoping to bolster my spiritual life. I also practiced yoga and studied the yoga philosophy.  These teachings were empowering and I began to see  myself as whole, not flawed.  I also began to feel uncomfortable continually defining myself as “Cindy, a food addict.”  At meetings I stopped saying it, and just introduced myself as “Cindy”. It started becoming clear to me that I had been white knuckling my recovery and some thing was keeping me from fully surrendering to the program.  I was beginning to have doubts.  I realized that I had turned my recovery into another addiction. It was a difficult time of soul searching.  All the while I was fighting cravings for sugar and carbs.  I had begun to binge on brown rice and butter.  I started to question everything, especially my own process.

In May 2008, nearly 6 years in recovery I decided to have a piece of ice cream cake at my granddaughter's third birthday party.  I knew it was a risk, but I took it.  The cake led to gelato at Whole Foods the next day.  The following day I flew to California to visit my parents and I ate a piece of chocolate.  That night I was up searching the house for more and discovered a stash of  2 lb Trader Joe’s dark chocolate almond candy bars.  I opened one and ate a piece, then another, then another, and finished off the entire 2 pounds. I hid the wrapper in my suitcase, and laid awake wondering what in the hell was happening to me. I felt like a drug addict looking for a fix. All I could think about was getting MORE!  For the rest of  my visit I pretended to be fine, eating program food, but then going alone to Starbucks drinking sugary drinks and eating sweets, staying up at night eating chocolate. I was going crazy and my addiction was off and running.  At the airport, on the way home, I stopped at the See’s Candy shop and bought a box of mixed chocolates, slid them in my carry-on and as soon as the flight took off I started eating them. Discreetly, I kept reaching into my carry-on bag, hoping no one noticed that I was completely obsessed with getting more chocolate!  It was like I was possessed. Trying to act normal and do it calmly was nearly more than I could handle.  I could hardly control myself. It felt like some one or something had taken over my body.


This is the end of Part 1.  Look for Part 2 tomorrow.

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