Airport Reflections - People Pleasing, Fear & Empowerment

Waiting for Flight 756

On the way to the airport this morning I had an idea.  It came as a flash.  I love when that happens.  I

knew that I had to write it down so I wouldn't forget.  Once I got through security and found a quiet place in the airport I pulled my journal out of my carry-on and flipped through looking for a blank page.  It flipped open to a page that grabbed my attention.  It was a page I had written at the Ghost Ranch last September when I was there at the Painting From the Wild Heart Retreat.  I read it.  It halted my pursuit of a blank page.  I read it again.  I thought I would share it with you.

"Painting this afternoon was hard because I allowed myself to feel feelings as I painted -- things have become clear -- processing of all the parts of my life begin making more sense and I can begin to see why it has all happened.  The truth has been made clear.  Fear has run my life and people pleasing has been my security blanket (that and care taking). I see now that my greatest fear has been my own gifts --and opening myself to the power they create in me.  When I fully own them nothing can stand in my way.  Over the last few days I have met women who struck out on their own, started their own businesses and others that live alone, love it and thrive.  I have nothing to fear.  What I do have is more letting go to do.  But that will come. . . . "

It brought me back to that time.  My experience of transformation.  The phrase that really struck me was "Fear has run my life, and people pleasing has been my security blanket . ." When I finally got that people pleasing and having people like me was the way I learned to be loved it was a profound opening.  That was something I was taught as a child, I learned that my value was based on taking care of people and being outwardly focused - assuming that would bring me love. I clung onto people pleasing even though I never really got what I needed.  It was all I knew.  Until then . .  that week in the desert when things all started to get clear with brushes and paint.  A very magical process.

It was a shift.  Suddenly I could think about owning my gifts and "opening myself to the power they create in me." It was nothing to fear. Owning the power of my gifts is empowering and brings with it a sense of peace that I have never allowed myself to feel before.  It is about acceptance, not some ego pursuit. It's about leaning into them and embracing them with my heart. 

As I read that today I realized how big this transformation has been. How differently I feel today than I did nearly nine months ago. It was opening and allowing a new way of envisioning myself and since then it has been the unfolding.  The Becoming Zia unfolding.  It nearly brought tears to my eyes as I recognized the growth and change I have experienced.   There are times in life when personal growth seems to take forever, and others (like my experience at the Ghost Ranch) that seem to jettison you forward at light speed.  I'm still trying to catch up!

Reading this today strengthens my resolve about continuing the publishing process of my book, Becoming Zia and the greater message it has to teach.  What happened to me, is happening to everyone.  It is the journey of opening to our true selves, however that plays out.  It is recognizing the importance of letting go of what doesn't work and connecting with the gifts that make each of us unique.  Just thinking about it fills me with excitement, hope, and enormous love.  It is filling my heart as I write this.  Today I feel blessed.

Now, what was that I wanted to write down . . . . 

Big, big, big love . . .