Fear of Being Seen - Social Anxiety Disorder

 While I was writing Becoming Zia I became aware of how many times I was writing about my reaction to uncomfortable social situations.  It was hard for me to deny that something was up with my behavior.  One morning while I was re-reading a chapter I had an “ah ha” moment.  I saw clearly that I suffered from Social Anxiety Disorder or some variation of it.

I sat with it for a while and tried to get my head around it.  I had watched the commercials for some “social anxiety drug” and laughed at how the pharmaceutical companies could even find a drug for shyness!  But, then I started doing some research.  Was I surprised. 

Emotional and behavioral social anxiety disorder signs and symptoms include:

• Intense fear of interacting with strangers. 
• Fear of situations in which you may be judged. 
• Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself.

Check, check and check! Most of my life I suffered from these fears, plus more.  When I am in a situation that triggers it I start to get a panicky feeling and then I usually start to perspire, then I become hyper aware of perspiring, then it gets worse! Next, the fight or flight response kicks in, and I always flee.  I have left many a social situation in that mode, my heart racing, my mind going crazy and my body betraying me.  I never really understood what was wrong with me.  Now I do.

Did you know? Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States 

I no idea this problem was so wide spread. You can find out more at  Social Anxiety Institute. Once I started investigating I was relieved to understand what has been causing me to act so crazy.  I am certainly not alone.

I also found a great book called Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life by Barbara Markway. It helped me further understand the issue and gave me tools to work with in my daily life to deal with it.  The most important thing I read — I have social anxiety and it is not me. Now that I can name it, I can detach from it.  That’s a good feeling.  When it comes up I can say “Oh, that’s my social anxiety”, breathe, and move on. Where before I thought I was crazy, it took me over and I felt totally out of control.

Those of you who know me might think this is strange because I seem pretty outgoing and have a take charge manner.  I questioned that myself.  I realized that when I am in control or in charge I feel comfortable and safe - because I know what’s going on.  My attacks usually happen when I feel vulnerable or I’m in unfamiliar or unexpected situations. Making small talk at a cocktail party or mixer is one of my biggest triggers.  So that’s why you’ll see me in the leadership role.  I know what’s going on when I’m in charge and it feels the most comfortable.  Crazy but true.

Becoming Zia has been opening me up to so much about myself.  This issue is huge and has plagued me most of my life and I had no idea!  Now I am healing and being kind to myself in ways I never have before.  Owning the fact that I have it, loving myself enough share it and overcome it, that’s the new me.  And I am getting better everyday!

Balancing Brain Chemistry for Mental Wellness

Last month was Mental Wellness Month.  I just found out.  Perfect timing for a post about my own journey.  Mental wellness is something that I am striving to achieve.  As a matter of fact I am working with my naturopathic doctor to balance my brain chemistry. It's a new science and doesn't involve pharmaceuticals.  I have committed to a three month program that requires I take three different types of amino acids in a variety of combination, four times a day. The ultimate goal is to balance my chemicals (neurotransmitters). With my history of living with stress, substance abuse and hormone imbalance I am a prime candidate for out of whack brain chemistry. And, it has been playing out in variety of ways —sleep problems, anxiety, digestion issues, sugar addiction, depression, etc.   Here is some information about the Brain Wellness Program from Neurogistics that I found online that describes it pretty well.

NEUROTRANSMITTERS are the brain chemicals that communicate information throughout our brain and body.  They relay signals between nerve cells, called “neurons.”  The brain uses neurotransmitters to tell your heart to beat, your lungs to breathe, and your stomach to digest.  They can also affect mood, sleep, concentration, weight, and can cause adverse symptoms when they are out of balance. Neurotransmitter levels can be depleted many ways.  As a matter of fact, it is estimated that 86% of Americans have suboptimal neurotransmitter levels.  Stress, poor diet, neurotoxins, genetic predisposition, drugs (prescription and recreational), alcohol and caffeine usage can cause these levels to be out of optimal range. 

It is also a contributing factor to the environment of inflammation that exists in my body that can play a role in my Hashimoto’s disease.   It is the combination of healing my leaky gut and balancing my brain chemistry that I am hoping will put my Hashimoto’s into remission.  That’s the goal!  

The leaky gut is being balanced by following the Autoimmune Protocol.  That protocol calls for eliminating a variety of foods for 30-90 days, reducing stress and developing quality sleep habits. It seemed a bit severe at first, but it gets easier and easier to follow as the days pass. Once the body is free from possible allergens, then one by one eliminated foods can be tested and re-introduced.  Some foods, like gluten, sugar and processed foods must be eliminated permanently.  It has to be a new way of life.  A choice for health.

Since I had my awakening as Zia and recognized that I had to face the autoimmune dis-ease that I have been ignoring for over 20 years, lots of wonderful information and resources have come my way.  It is empowering to take the lead in managing my own health and developing a plan for healing that feels right.  I am filled with hope and gratitude! 

With a little bit of brain chemistry balancing and some healing of my leaky gut, I’m on the road to wellness.

The Game of Life

I’ve been playing the Game of Life with my granddaughters.  There is an electronic version that we downloaded on my iPad.  The graphics are pretty cool.  All you have to do is touch the spinner and it spins like crazy and your car automatically moves around the board stopping for college, marriage and having babies.  Not like the old board game of my childhood. 

However, what isn’t cool is how to win the game, which is the same as it’s always been - who ever has the most money at the end of the game wins.  Playing the electronic/digital version makes that more apparent than ever. Plus they seem to have added a few things --like bringing a lawsuit against another player, suing for $100,000.  Nice way to train kids how to deal with conflict in adult life! 

When playing with the girls we have had conversations about occupations.  Both of them wanting the coveted “doctor” card so they can be assured to make the most money.  The lowest paid occupations, of course, “hair stylist”, “teacher” and ‘police officer”, always make them groan. Yesterday while playing Zoe became a doctor, then lost her job (got fired) and became a hair stylist.  She was very unhappy.  But, ultimately she won, because the first half of the game she made enough money as a doctor to beat us.

It started me thinking.  There needs to be an upgrade to the Game of Life.  I think I may develop it!  We need a new paradigm about what success in life is all about.  My game is going to be about following your passion and honoring family choices.  There won’t be an end or a winner, it will be about exploration and discovery.  Rewards will be given for kind acts and creative ideas.  Sure, all the details need to be figured out.  But the bottom line will be about happiness and not wealth.  

When I think of what I would like to teach my granddaughters about life, here’s what it would be.  I would want them to feel confident and self assured enough to choose the path that brings them the most satisfaction.  I would want them to be true to their hearts and follow their passion, what ever that may be, regardless of the annual salary.  I would hope that they would value connection with people above material success, and learn to live with balance in their lives.  I know it’s impossible for them to not experience some hardship or conflict, for that is part of life.  But, I would like to see them face that without lawsuits and instead practice understanding, compassion and forgiveness.  Those assets are much more valuable than money, any day.

Yes, the Game of Life needs an upgrade.  I think I might call mine Life - The Adventure!

A Secret Stuck in My Throat

Since becoming Zia I have been learning to look differently at things.  As a matter of fact, looking at things differently is what began the process that resulted in me changing my name.  Having Hashimoto's disease for over 20 years and then being diagnosed with a tumor in my throat prompted me to look deeper into the illness and how it may correlate with experiences and behaviors throughout my life.  Once I started connecting the dots it all started making sense.  I had not been speaking my truth my entire life - I had silenced my truth thinking it was keeping me safe.

I was wrong.

As I reflect on my life I can trace my throat problems back to early childhood.  When I was very little, six or seven, I had my tonsils removed.  There was nothing wrong with my tonsils.  My brother had to have his removed, so my mom decided that I might as well have mine removed too.  I remember very little about the experience, but I do recall the fear and pain.  Back then we had to stay in the hospital and it was frightening for a little girl. Afterwards I could hardly swallow and it was so painful.  I wonder if this was the beginning.

When I was eight I started being molested.  I was told I had to keep it a secret.  And I did.  I was scared, powerless, and ashamed.  I wanted someone to save me, to rescue me, but there was no one.  I knew it was bad, I knew if I told it would disrupt our family in a way that might not be repairable.  I knew that.  So I kept the secret.  For eight years it continued.  And I continued to keep it a secret.  A secret stuck in my throat, wanting so badly to come out. But, the fear of what speaking up, telling someone might create kept me silent. I never told anyone about it until I was married.  The next person was a therapist.

Now, I don’t know if these childhood traumas are the cause of my Hashimoto’s or the tumor on my parathyroid, but I can’t be sure they’re not!  Learning to speak up for myself, telling my truth has been a lifetime struggle. I am sure the seeds of this struggle were planted in my childhood when the truth could not be heard, even if I’d been brave enough to speak it.

No one really likes to hear that we may play some role in creating dis-ease in our lives.  It is much easier to look at it from a purely medical, physiological, biological, genetic view and hope a pill can cure whatever is wrong.  But sometimes it takes more than that.  That’s what I’m discovering in my journey. Healing is going to require being open to looking at every aspect of my being,  It requires fearlessness, determination and self acceptance.  It’s going to require I find my truth and speak it!

That’s what I’m doing today! 

Day 20 Autoimmune Protocol

Twenty days ago I decided to take my health in my own hands.  I had to face the reality that I had an autoimmune disease and after nearly 30 years of treating the symptoms, it was time to treat the cause. So I began the Autoimmune Protocol.  

Here I am on Day 1 and then today, Day 20!  

The Autoimmune Protocol I follow is based on eliminating foods that contribute to leaky gut and ultimately inflammation.  Gluten, dairy, sugar, nuts, seeds, legumes, eggs, nightshades, and processed foods are eliminated for a minimum of 30 days.  Then one by one foods are re-introduced and I’ll see how my body reacts. With the exception of sugar, processed foods and gluten.  Those will always be out!  I’m still in the elimination phase and learning more about the protocol each day. 

The amazing thing is how much better I feel after just 20 days.  I have more energy, less bloating, my thinking is more clear, and I have no cravings at all.  I have been exercising, walking five days a week.  My sleep is much better and I wake up feeling rested and energized.  It’s hard to believe that food can make so much difference.

As I move forward on this journey I know I will gain a better understanding of the protocol, which is about more than just food.  It’s about reducing stress, getting proper sleep and for me, healing the issues in my life that led me into this dis-ease.  I am also learning how my own body works, things I should have known years ago. Spending so many years stuck in the diet mentality did a lot of damage. I’ve been out of touch with my body for a long time. 

You might me wondering if it’s hard to give up so many foods. Actually it has been pretty easy.  When I really understood that my Hashimoto’s was never going to get any better, and that the inflammation was just going to get worse, UNLESS I stopped the process, it was pretty easy to give up the food.  You see, I want to live.  And I want to feel good while I’m doing it.  My desire to be healthy and healed became greater than I my need to eat bread and pie.  At least for today.  And that’s how I’m doing this.  One day at a time.

Becoming Zia is an interesting journey.

How Editing My Book is Teaching Me About Me!

I am really writing a book!  

Yes, it's all coming together.  This week I have begun editing and it is an eye opening experience.  As most of you know I am writing a memoir about a two week period of my life this summer in New Mexico.  If not, you can click here to learn more about it.  Reading back over what I have written has been like re-living it all over again! yet, completely different.

There is magic in words, and especially in telling your own story!

It was in November that I wrote most of my book, over 60,000 words.  I had kept a detailed journal during my time in New Mexico and that helped me in the process.  Since then I have been finishing the final chapters and just recently I started my first edit from the beginning.  It has been like deja vu, but this time with more insight, plus the time away has helped me process it all on a new level.  I am amazed at the wealth of experiences and the depth of my vulnerability.  It’s like I am looking at myself from the outside and seeing into the truth of who I am.  A very weird feeling.  Sure, I have found lots of mistakes, made many corrections and have even re-written several sections, but readying the words again surprised me.  A bit mind boggling.  It’s hard to believe this is my story, but it is.

Today I edited for several hours straight and was surprised a couple times.  I began to see a pattern of behavior in my story that I hadn’t notice before and a part of me was temped to edit it away.  Then I realized it was important, it was pretty raw, and showed a lot of the insecurities I try to hide, but I knew it needed to stay.  I was seeing myself in a more honest way than I had in a long time. That’s what this book is about - rebirth and transformation.  I knew it needed to stay in the pure form that it was originally written. 

When I sat with the feelings that were evoked, I knew that I had changed. That woman I was reading about, the one with all fears, the insecurities, and the self-consciousness was Cindy -  the wounded seeker longing for connection and healing.  The story of the transformation is mine.  Reading the chapters and watching her make that transformation from Cindy to an empowered, strong and spiritual centered woman is moving.  Becoming Zia is about owning all that and more. 

Am I really ready to let perfect strangers take such an up close look into my soul? Or, family and friends for that matter. Apparently, it seems that I am.  Some part of me keeps pushing forward, knowing I want to tell this story.  It’s about possibilities, and deep truths, and a lot about self acceptance. 

Since I was a teenager I wanted to be a writer.  Deep inside, some part of me has always wanted to write a book.  How funny, I would never have imagined it would be like this. But here it is, my story of Becoming Zia must be told!

Noise & Distraction: TV Addiction

This past week my brother Mike has been visiting.  He came to celebrate our mother’s 94th birthday.  She was very happy and we had nice family time together. He has been staying with us and I was surprised at how the atmosphere in our home shifted.  Mike likes to watch TV.  It seemed the TV was on from morning until night since he arrived. When I think back, he was even like this as a kid.  He escaped into it, and loved watching it. But, now I think he may have a television addiction.

At this moment he is gone, visiting our Mom.  The house is quiet, almost eerily quiet.  So quiet that I have nearly forgotten how to think.  My brain is still a swirling mush of all the voices, words, and music that have been vibrating through our house this past week.  Silence seems so loud, but amazingly refreshing. It is going to take me a few days to find the rhythm and pace of our normally peaceful and serene life.  The TV in our house is usually turned on in the evening and we only watch recorded shows so as to avoid all commercials and particularly the news.  It is conscious entertainment.

Although I am suffering from over stimulation, my mind couldn’t help but start thinking about what all this is about for my brother, and so many other people addicted to television.  It must be about distraction.  The need to escape from life, thoughts and being present.   A way to pass the time and not have to be alone with yourself.  It serves the same function as any addictive substance - it numbs and takes your mind off what really is going on in your life.  It creates an entirely new direction for your attention and blocks out whatever it is you don’t want to think about.  And, like all addictions it creates a new problem.  The more you watch, the less in touch with your true self you become.  Stress levels rise, although you think you are watching TV to relax.  The noise filling every space, not allowing the nervous system any peace.  The news with all it’s fear based reporting about everything from the weather to crime - “if it bleeds, it leads” mentality can send the stress hormones into crisis. Plus this addiction is driven by consumerism - it’s all about the commercials.  And we all know about commercials, constantly showing you the life you should be living, the car you should be driving the food you should be eating and promising happiness if you follow their lead. This sends you further from your authentic self and creates even more stress and the unconscious desire for “things” to make your life better.  It is a vicious cycle, just like any addiction. All in the name of escape.

Is silence really so bad?  Sitting here, now in the silence, I am starting to feel more calm.  I have taken a few deep breaths and I can even hear the sounds outside the house, nature.  It feels calm, relaxing and more connected.  I can  hear a clock ticking, birds chirping in the yard, the sounds of a car passing down the road in the distance, I even hear a neighbor laughing and talking.  These are the sounds of my life, and it’s nice. I hadn’t realized that I had created such a peaceful life.  I feel blessed and grateful.  It isn’t until what you have is taken away that you truly realize what you do have.  My brother flies home today and our house will return to normal soon. I’ve enjoyed spending time with him, but also see the contrast he has presented for me. I am glad to have this glance into the peace of my life and how important it is to me to keep that going.  I am also glad that I don’t have TV addiction!  Thankfully, that is one addiction I dodged!

Let silence become your normal state.  That is where the peace is!