Fear of Being Seen - Social Anxiety Disorder

 While I was writing Becoming Zia I became aware of how many times I was writing about my reaction to uncomfortable social situations.  It was hard for me to deny that something was up with my behavior.  One morning while I was re-reading a chapter I had an “ah ha” moment.  I saw clearly that I suffered from Social Anxiety Disorder or some variation of it.

I sat with it for a while and tried to get my head around it.  I had watched the commercials for some “social anxiety drug” and laughed at how the pharmaceutical companies could even find a drug for shyness!  But, then I started doing some research.  Was I surprised. 

Emotional and behavioral social anxiety disorder signs and symptoms include:

• Intense fear of interacting with strangers. 
• Fear of situations in which you may be judged. 
• Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself.

Check, check and check! Most of my life I suffered from these fears, plus more.  When I am in a situation that triggers it I start to get a panicky feeling and then I usually start to perspire, then I become hyper aware of perspiring, then it gets worse! Next, the fight or flight response kicks in, and I always flee.  I have left many a social situation in that mode, my heart racing, my mind going crazy and my body betraying me.  I never really understood what was wrong with me.  Now I do.

Did you know? Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States 

I no idea this problem was so wide spread. You can find out more at  Social Anxiety Institute. Once I started investigating I was relieved to understand what has been causing me to act so crazy.  I am certainly not alone.

I also found a great book called Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life by Barbara Markway. It helped me further understand the issue and gave me tools to work with in my daily life to deal with it.  The most important thing I read — I have social anxiety and it is not me. Now that I can name it, I can detach from it.  That’s a good feeling.  When it comes up I can say “Oh, that’s my social anxiety”, breathe, and move on. Where before I thought I was crazy, it took me over and I felt totally out of control.

Those of you who know me might think this is strange because I seem pretty outgoing and have a take charge manner.  I questioned that myself.  I realized that when I am in control or in charge I feel comfortable and safe - because I know what’s going on.  My attacks usually happen when I feel vulnerable or I’m in unfamiliar or unexpected situations. Making small talk at a cocktail party or mixer is one of my biggest triggers.  So that’s why you’ll see me in the leadership role.  I know what’s going on when I’m in charge and it feels the most comfortable.  Crazy but true.

Becoming Zia has been opening me up to so much about myself.  This issue is huge and has plagued me most of my life and I had no idea!  Now I am healing and being kind to myself in ways I never have before.  Owning the fact that I have it, loving myself enough share it and overcome it, that’s the new me.  And I am getting better everyday!