A Secret Stuck in My Throat

Since becoming Zia I have been learning to look differently at things.  As a matter of fact, looking at things differently is what began the process that resulted in me changing my name.  Having Hashimoto's disease for over 20 years and then being diagnosed with a tumor in my throat prompted me to look deeper into the illness and how it may correlate with experiences and behaviors throughout my life.  Once I started connecting the dots it all started making sense.  I had not been speaking my truth my entire life - I had silenced my truth thinking it was keeping me safe.

I was wrong.

As I reflect on my life I can trace my throat problems back to early childhood.  When I was very little, six or seven, I had my tonsils removed.  There was nothing wrong with my tonsils.  My brother had to have his removed, so my mom decided that I might as well have mine removed too.  I remember very little about the experience, but I do recall the fear and pain.  Back then we had to stay in the hospital and it was frightening for a little girl. Afterwards I could hardly swallow and it was so painful.  I wonder if this was the beginning.

When I was eight I started being molested.  I was told I had to keep it a secret.  And I did.  I was scared, powerless, and ashamed.  I wanted someone to save me, to rescue me, but there was no one.  I knew it was bad, I knew if I told it would disrupt our family in a way that might not be repairable.  I knew that.  So I kept the secret.  For eight years it continued.  And I continued to keep it a secret.  A secret stuck in my throat, wanting so badly to come out. But, the fear of what speaking up, telling someone might create kept me silent. I never told anyone about it until I was married.  The next person was a therapist.

Now, I don’t know if these childhood traumas are the cause of my Hashimoto’s or the tumor on my parathyroid, but I can’t be sure they’re not!  Learning to speak up for myself, telling my truth has been a lifetime struggle. I am sure the seeds of this struggle were planted in my childhood when the truth could not be heard, even if I’d been brave enough to speak it.

No one really likes to hear that we may play some role in creating dis-ease in our lives.  It is much easier to look at it from a purely medical, physiological, biological, genetic view and hope a pill can cure whatever is wrong.  But sometimes it takes more than that.  That’s what I’m discovering in my journey. Healing is going to require being open to looking at every aspect of my being,  It requires fearlessness, determination and self acceptance.  It’s going to require I find my truth and speak it!

That’s what I’m doing today!