Lessons in Being Heard

Communication Break Down

Today I had a frustrating interaction with my husband.  There was an important letter I needed mailed and I didn’t have stamps.  I asked him to go Winco Grocery, buy stamps, put one on the envelop and put it in the mail box behind Applebee’s (in the same parking lot.) We were just there last night mailing a birthday card. He was looking at me and seemed to be listening to me the entire time we talked.   He left and was gone quite a while.  When he got home he handed me the stamps and said “They don’t sell stamps at Target.”  I looked at him weird and said “I know, I told you to buy them at Winco.”  He looked at me weird, and said “I bought them at Stater Bros Market and then dropped the letter off at the UPS Store.” Now I looked at him weird.  “What?” I said. That wasn’t at all what I asked him to do.  I was suddenly pissed off.  He says "What does it matter, its done.”  I had to agree, but I was still pissed. It made me start thinking, as I have before, why does this stuff upset me so much!

I know the answer.  It has so much to do with everything about Becoming Zia and what I am learning about my 5th chakra issues.  It is about being heard.  I never feel like he’s listening to me,  I am not being heard.  That is the bigger issue.  He is a daily reminder of what I am trying to remedy, and he also provides me with a daily opportunity to learn new ways to practice being heard.  We definitely have a communication break down.  They say that men and women speak different languages, well at our house that is definitely the case.  

When I am faced with these situations, and react so strongly, (especially when it happens so frequently) I have to look within and find the trigger.  I know that for decades I acted in codependent and people pleasing ways and never spoke my truth or even recognized my own needs.  As I have begun to peel back the layers of my life over the past few years I realize that beneath all that people pleasing and codependency was one unhappy, angry woman who just wanted to be heard.  When my husband doesn’t listen to me the fury of all theses years flies forward.  It’s like opening Pandora’s Box, once the lid has been pried open it can’t be closed. I  know that is not fair to him, but it is the reality of the situation.  They say we pick our partners to work out our issues. Maybe it keeps happening so I can learn to find a comfortable place with speaking my truth.  It’s complicated.  

The one thing I do know, I am changing and seeing things differently and more clearly than I ever have before.  Change is hard.  It’s unsettling for everyone involved. What I realized today is that being heard, having someone pay attention to what I am saying is something I value and require in my relationships. It is vital to good communication.  It is a two way street.  It is about respecting the other persons needs and having them do the same towards you.  Its about being honest and open with each other, and really listening.  

The anger that gets evoked in me is a messenger, it tells me that something has been triggered that I need to look at.  The good news is that I am willing to look at it and not just react (although I am pretty good at that!)  Have I figured it all out. . . . heck no!  But I am willing to explore and discover whatever it takes to heal.   This is all part of what created two major medical problems in my throat  and is also part of the process of healing myself on a wholly level.  I'm all in, there is no going back for me.

Big love,