Bathing Suits & Body Image

Shopping Flashback

This weekend my husband and I are are going to Desert Hot Springs Spa for his birthday. Two days of steaming mineral pools, sun, and relaxation.  Since losing over 40 pounds I decided I better get a new swim suit.  I headed to Lane Byrants, my plus size go-to shop.  I wandered around the store and found my way to the bathing suits.  I stood before them and scanned the row of  brightly colored latex.  Most were bejeweled, embellished with gold and some had rows of flouncy ruffles.  However, the thing that stood out the most was the enormous built in bra cups.  There was no way I was fitting into any of these suits! (Or at least in some areas.)

Suddenly I had a flashback.  I was 13 years old and shopping for bathing suits with my Mom.  I was too big for the little girls suits and too small for the women’s.  I tried on so many suits, I was disappointed and frustrated and my Mom was getting tired of shopping  and convinced me to buy a brown and orange suit that had a built-in bra.  The cups were huge and hard plastic. She said “Don’t worry you’ll grow into it.”  Who was she kidding, I’d need plastic surgery to fit in the thing.  That was the worst summer of my life.  I spent most of it trying to hide my chest, which was not possible since these hard plastic cups were sticking out no matter what I did. On occasion I would bump into something and one or the other would cave in and I would have to reach in and pop it out again.  Most of the time I wore a t-shirt over my suit, again in an effort to hide them, but you know what happens when a t-shirt gets wet.  It was humiliating to a 13 year old girl.  It was bad enough that I was being molested and totally ashamed of my body, now I was faced with getting cat calls, teasing and unwanted attention because of these two giant plastic boobs sticking out from my flat chest. What was my Mother thinking?  The memory still makes me cringe. 

Now, 45 years later I am standing in front of a display of swimsuits with giant, underwired, plastic formed bra cups and I still can’t fill them up. (Not all large woman have large breasts!)  So many thoughts are running through my mind.  Just the sight of these suits disturbs me and connects me to some deep pain that I am sure I have stuffed away for the sake of survival. Then I think, “It’s just a frigging bathing suit for God’s sake!” This makes me laugh under my breath.  How can a bathing suit hold so much energy.  I realize it is not the swimsuit so much as the feeling that it evoked.  The self-consciousness,  feeling like a freak and not fitting in, uncomfortable in my own skin. I hated by body, I wanted nothing to do with it.  Being 13, that awkward time between childhood and womanhood, feeling betrayed by my body.  So complicated.

How I wish I could go back and talk with her.  I’d tell her she was smart, beautiful and creative. I’d take her shopping to as many stores as it took until we found the perfect suit, the one she felt comfortable in. I’d buy her a cute cover-up, hat, and new sandals to match. Then I’d take her to lunch and ask her about her life and her dreams, and I would listen to her!  I would make sure she knew she was valued and mattered.  

It’s about so much more than a bathing suit, but that bathing suit represented so much.  It tells a story.  A story that really isn’t about me anymore.  It’s a memory, not a truth.  The truth is, today I will head to another store.  I will take myself shopping until I find  the “right” suit.  One that feels comfortable and one I feel good wearing.  Yep, I can do that! I am smart, beautiful, creative and at last I value myself!

Big Love,