Facebook Reminds Me of High School

How many "Likes" did I get today?

I was laying in bed this morning checking Facebook, as I do nearly every morning.  I lay there and scrolled down the posts. Checking in with my Facebook family of friends, real family, acquaintances and random people I have met in various places. There are the quotes with lovely pictures, the cute animals, the adorable children and grandchildren, amazing vacation photos, political rants, commentaries on the latest news and, of course, the ain't my life wonderful posts from people you just don't believe have that wonderful of a life.  Those are the ones who get me.  And what even gets me more is when they have 85 likes and 30 comments!  What the hell?

Today it reminded me of high school.  Sitting back wishing I was one of the popular kids, but knowing that I wasn't.  Thinking of a way I could write a clever post or do something interesting so that I could be like the them.  So I could get 85 likes and 30 comments.  It made me laugh out loud.

A few weeks ago I made the decision to step back from social media a bit and even blogging so that I could get some perspective.  I was feeling pressured and a bit envious of other people who seemed to have a following that I didn't.  I began to judge myself and question my motives for even participating in the "game".  Why was I doing this?  And, why did I care so much?

After some time away and introspection I've figured out a few things.

Facebook triggers some old insecurity issues from my childhood.  Seriously. It does remind me of high school and that feeling of not being enough. But, I see that reminder as an opportunity.  What I didn't know then, and I do know now is that I am enough.  Life isn't a popularity contest and Facebook isn't the measure.  It's social media - take it for what it's worth and enjoy the process.

Some of the people I have been judging myself against are people I don't even like that much. I realized that there are several people on Facebook that I have friended out of curiosity or a perverse need to make myself feel bad.  I also realized that I could unfriend them and stop torturing myself.

Lastly, I thought about my blogging.  First and foremost, I like to write.  Simple as that.  I have been writing since I was a little girl and I love to write.  Actually, I need to write.  I now understand that I write for myself and putting it out there into the world via the internet is just part of the process. Yes, I want people to read my posts and feel something, but honestly, I just want to write. As I laid in bed this morning scrolling down the Facebook feed, feeling the feelings I described above, I knew I had to write about it.  I got up, made some coffee and sat down at the computer.  Here I am.  That's what I like doing.

It's not about popularity or how many likes I get.  It's something that I want to do, need to do.  I certainly don't understand it, but I feel it.  Crazy as it seems sharing my feelings and my life with the world (large or small) compels me and I just can't stay away from it. Somehow I have found peace with that and will continue to write.

Lastly, I realize that it is selfish. If I was interested in being popular I would be writing about what other people want, or what I perceive other people might want.  However, that is not what motivates me.  My writing is a selfish pursuit, I write about what I find interesting and what intrigues me at the moment. It is something that no one else can control, it is mine and mine alone.  I like that.  If you like it that's great, but I also know that if you don't, that's okay too!

So here I am, back to my blog, speaking my truth.  Yes, this is me, and it will continue that way.  If you feel compelled to comment on this post, go for it.  If not, c'est la vie. When I post on Facebook feel free to like my post, or not.  Now that I know my truth, it no longer matters what comes from "out there" towards me.  This is an inside job that for some weird reason I send out to the world.  Who knows why.  And really, who cares?

That's it for now!