Thinking back about my history of addiction and writing these posts have not been easy. There is so much shame with being an addict. The out-of-control behavior, around food in particular, in a society that blames the user, is difficult. I completely bought into that thinking. Blaming, shaming and beating myself up was a skill I excelled at. My body was the identified problem and I turned against it. The combination of self hatred, the cravings, the behavior patterns and the hopelessness were powerful. I had read everything, tired everything, and about given up. There was this whole part of me that knew I was okay, but a bigger part of me kept desperately seeking a solution, a cure for my weakness and inability to lose weight and be “normal.”
Little did I know that the solution was inside my brain. You see I was born with a combination of factors that created an imbalance of the chemistry in my brain. My addition was triggered by my life (stress, fear, trauma, starvation diets) and exacerbated by ingesting the carbs my body craved to feed it. The chemical imbalance drove me to crave more and more. The combination of sugar, flour and fat was like heroin to my brain. Chocolate was like crack. The imbalance, the craving and bingeing, along with the stressors of my life created even more issues - adrenal exhaustion, stomach and digestion troubles (I was chronically constipated), sleep issues, anxiety problems, mood disorders, depression. (I even think it contributed to the diagnosis of Hashimoto’s and is also why I had to have an emergency appendectomy at 29.) Not to mention all the self-hatred and frustration over trying to “fix” the identified problem (my weight).
I clearly remember as a teenager being so fixated on losing weight that I went on a starvation diet - eating only one boiled egg and a grapefruit a day. I would exercise like crazy, doing sit-ups, push-ups and running. It felt so good to experience my stomach growling, it gave me a high. This style of dieting started when I was 10 years old and continued off and on my entire life. The off times were spent binging and overeating like a maniac on sugar and starch. It is a crazy cycle that made me feel like I a powerless, out-of-control maniac.
It wasn’t until I started the amino acid protocol that Dr. Maki suggested that I began to experience something different. A few weeks in I noticed that I was sleeping better and feeling more centered. The old feelings of self condemnation seemed to be fading, and I was feeling more confident. I noticed that I wasn’t craving sweets or carbs. I was on the AIP diet which was an elimination diet, so I thought that may be part of it. But the diet seemed easy, and I was even leaving food on my plate. Something weird was going on! There were no feelings of “poor me, I can’t eat this or that”. Yes, something was different.
It's been over four months. But during the past few weeks it’s become more and more difficult for me to take the amino acid pills. The protocol calls for taking them four times a day and each dose is between 6 to 8 pills. I could hardly swallow them, each day it got harder and harder, my body just rejecting them. Then I started having stomach aches after taking them. It took me a few days to make the connection that the pills and the stomach ache were related. I started thinking it may be time to stop, but I was afraid. I didn’t want to mess anything up, especially in my brain. Plus I didn’t want to jeopardize the new way I was feeling. Was I sabotaging myself? I wasn't sure, but I knew I had to listen to my body. Something was going on, I needed to play attention.
I arrived at the Cleveland airport at 11:30 at night. I picked up my car from long term parking and headed home. I was feeling sad, crazy and out of control. The box of chocolates was sitting on the seat next to me - it was like it had a huge presence - bigger than life. I kept looking at it and eventually reached over and took a piece, there weren't many left. I popped it into my mouth and the sugary sensation felt like a jolt of adrenaline. It was a complete rush that flooded my body and my brain. I could feel the chemical reaction like it was a drug. At that moment I had a flash of clarity. I had to stop. With one hand I opened the window, with the other I grabbed the box and threw it out onto the freeway. A feeling of panic raced through me, I nearly braked to jump out and get it. But, I continued to drive with my heart pumping, realizing that I was one crazy, f*#king mess! I had become one of those people, the ones who came to meetings, found their sanity, lost weight and felt terrific, but then one day ate some cookies and went mad. It was hard to believe this was happening to me.
The next day I went to a meeting and never told anyone I had lost my “abstinence”. I convinced myself that I could get back on the program and take back control of my life. The next day I went to another meeting, on the way home I stopped at a little store that had an Amish Bakery and I bought a coconut cream pie. I went home and ate the entire pie. That was the beginning of the end of my Food Addiction 12-step recovery. Over the next several months I went back and forth with eating, going to meetings, re-starting the food plan, cheating, binging, going to meetings, etc. The weight started coming back on and I felt like I was going insane. In a few weeks I had gained 30 pounds. The shame I felt was enormous. I had been so righteous and clean, leading meetings, working the program, the FAA Queen. I was humiliated, scared, depressed and the desire for sugar was so strong it scared the hell out of me. Eventually I stopped going to meetings, I would hide out trying not to see anyone because of the shame I had about gaining weight. Over the next few months I gained nearly 70 pounds. Little by little I went deeper into depression and all I wanted to do was escape (and eat). Shame, regret and self-condemnation were my constant companions. Day and night I was grieving what I had lost and would try over and over again to get it back, with no success.
When the call came from my step-dad asking me to consider coming home to help them, it seemed like the perfect solution. I could leave behind all this history and start new. I could stop hiding at the grocery store when I saw someone I knew for fear they wouldn’t recognize me or, worse, they would say “Oh my god what happened to you!” The shame had become so big it was like a dark cloud that followed me everywhere. I wanted to be free. So, without truly thinking it through, I jumped. We moved back to California in the summer of 2010. A fresh start. I could leave behind all the shame, fear, regret and hopefully the addiction.
But, that’s not what happened. All the issues moved with me. I just didn’t have to hide from people in the grocery store. Since losing my “abstinence” I’d gained back nearly 120 of the 170 pounds I’d originally lost. Coming back “home” to California was the escape I needed, but along with all my Ohio issues it opened up another set of issues that I had avoided considering when I was so desperate to leave. Returning to the home town I left when I was 18, and living close to my parents, whom I only visited occasionally over the past 20 years was a big adjustment. I left the desert at 18 because I couldn’t wait to get away. I hated the desert. It didn’t take long until I remembered why. I left home at 18 because I felt like no one really knew or understood me, I felt like an alien in my own family. That hadn’t changed either. However, the gift of this decision has been facing all the issues I have run from since I was a kid. They have all come back to visit me, and now in my late 50’s I can deal with them in a whole new way with a maturity and understanding I would never been able to any earlier.
In the past year the biggest change has occurred. I was diagnosed with the tumor in my throat and I had to face that along with the issues of my Hashimoto's thyroiditis - the autoimmune disease. For nearly 30 years I have been dealing with an out of whack thyroid and all that entails and have never treated the real problem. Thanks to an amazing naturopath doctor, Robert Maki, I have begun to heal. He also explained to me about the amino acid protocol late last year and asked me to consider it. I researched it and after some conversations decided to give it a try. At the same time I found the book The Paleo Approach by Sarah Ballantyne, The 21 Day Sugar Detox by Diane Sanfilippo and a Facebook group called Hashimoto’s 411. These things have been life changing! Since January 2014 I have been following the autoimmune protocol food plan and taking the amino acids as prescribed by Dr. Maki.
It was being diagnosed with the tumor that led to the transformation! It was the catalyst for change and the pivotal point that led to the amazing synchronicities that occurred during my trip to New Mexico. It’s about how I became Zia and what that means to me. This is part of a process that is continuing to unfold.
Little did I know that I would be facing a bigger truth, one I never expected.
Something happened this week that has opened me up in a way I never imagined. First I had the deep realization that the amino acid brain balancing protocol that I have been following is working, really working. I feel completely different. Secondly, in my research for more understanding of the protocol and the process I found a woman who has been treating people with amino acids since the 80’s and has amazing success. Her name is Julia Ross and she has written a book about it called The Diet Cure. I’ve started reading the book and I’ve listened to her being interviewed on several podcasts. Each time I have had moments of insight with the information clicking like pieces of a puzzle coming together. It is the complete and absolute truth. At least in my life experience.
Since I was a young girl I have had addiction issues. The first time I smoked (at age 12), I chain smoked half a pack of cigarettes. The first time I had alcohol (151 proof rum) I drank until I couldn't stand. I even remember a time as a teenager when I took six straws and put them in a six pack of beer and drank them all at ounce. Now that is crazy behavior. There
was nothing ever half way for me. More was always better. Once when I was about 9 I found a box of my Mom’s diet candies called “Ayds” and I ate the entire box, hiding the wrappers and the box in the trash when I was done. That was just the beginning of a lifetime of addictive behavior. In my 20’s I moved on to drugs and by the time I was 30 I was addicted to cocaine, crystal meth and alcohol. All the while smoking 2-3 packs of cigarettes a day. During that time I over dosed twice, the last time was so frightening that I honestly thought I was going to die. It was a wake up call that I couldn’t ignore.
When I gave up the drugs, alcohol and cigarettes I turned to food. The year I quit using I gained 80 pounds. This was also the year I was diagnosed the Hashimoto's thyroiditis, a autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid tissue. It slowed down my metabolism and made it even easier for me to gain weight. I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me. I was an out of control addict with no self respect. I berated myself daily (hourly) and continually pledged that I would change, lose weight, get control of my life. Deep inside I knew that I was a flawed, weak willed loser, that just lacked self-discipline. All I wanted was to lose weight, act normal and be happy. But that always eluded me. For decades I searched for a cure; the right diet, therapy, self-help books or some program that would “fix me” and heal this crazy addictive behavior I struggled with daily.
In the early 2000's I found a program called Food Addicts Anonymous. The program was like AA, but with food. The premise was that I was addicted to certain foods and the only way to recover was to abstain from the addictive substances and follow the 12 steps of recovery. When I found this program I was elated! It taught that I was not the problem, but the addiction was. I could finally forgive myself for my compulsive behavior. I decided to give the program 90 days and see what happened. I had to give up all sugar, flour, wheat and high sugar fruits like bananas. Within a few weeks I felt like a new person. It was wonderful. The day I started the program I weighed over 340 pounds, a little over a year later I had lost over 170 pounds and finally had my life back! I kept it off for over 5 years, but as the time wore on it became harder and harder for me to follow the program. I went to three meetings a week and introduced myself each time as “Cindy, a food addict”. The program taught me that I was powerless over my addiction and that I had to adhere to the steps and the food plan or face relapse. And, I had seen it. Many people came into the program, but one by one they would eat cake, cookies, or pasta and you’d never see them at a meeting again. I vowed that I would not be one of those people. I sponsored people, I went to meetings, made phone calls, worked the steps, performed service, even went to conventions. I was a model 12 stepper.
At the same time I was part of a spiritual study group hoping to bolster my spiritual life. I also practiced yoga and studied the yoga philosophy. These teachings were empowering and I began to see myself as whole, not flawed. I also began to feel uncomfortable continually defining myself as “Cindy, a food addict.” At meetings I stopped saying it, and just introduced myself as “Cindy”. It started becoming clear to me that I had been white knuckling my recovery and some thing was keeping me from fully surrendering to the program. I was beginning to have doubts. I realized that I had turned my recovery into another addiction. It was a difficult time of soul searching. All the while I was fighting cravings for sugar and carbs. I had begun to binge on brown rice and butter. I started to question everything, especially my own process.
In May 2008, nearly 6 years in recovery I decided to have a piece of ice cream cake at my granddaughter's third birthday party. I knew it was a risk, but I took it. The cake led to gelato at Whole Foods the next day. The following day I flew to California to visit my parents and I ate a piece of chocolate. That night I was up searching the house for more and discovered a stash of 2 lb Trader Joe’s dark chocolate almond candy bars. I opened one and ate a piece, then another, then another, and finished off the entire 2 pounds. I hid the wrapper in my suitcase, and laid awake wondering what in the hell was happening to me. I felt like a drug addict looking for a fix. All I could think about was getting MORE! For the rest of my visit I pretended to be fine, eating program food, but then going alone to Starbucks drinking sugary drinks and eating sweets, staying up at night eating chocolate. I was going crazy and my addiction was off and running. At the airport, on the way home, I stopped at the See’s Candy shop and bought a box of mixed chocolates, slid them in my carry-on and as soon as the flight took off I started eating them. Discreetly, I kept reaching into my carry-on bag, hoping no one noticed that I was completely obsessed with getting more chocolate! It was like I was possessed. Trying to act normal and do it calmly was nearly more than I could handle. I could hardly control myself. It felt like some one or something had taken over my body.
This is the end of Part 1. Look for Part 2 tomorrow.
Last week I wrote about living a more spiritual life. That’s my goal, well, not an actual goal, but more a desire. Each day I awake with the intention of being in that place of balance and connection. It is an active practice and state of being. It’s also a conscious choice to be more present and (attempt) to stay disconnected from outcomes. That is challenging, but it is part of the practice. I’ve decided to start calling it “The Yoga of Being”.
Years ago I had a daily yoga and meditation practice and followed the teaching of a yogi master. I could really tell how different I felt and how it effected my day-to-day life. Through the teachings I learned about the philosophy of yoga and that helped bring even deeper meaning to my practice, understanding myself and life in general. At the same time I was part of a spiritual community that meet weekly and studied spiritual teachings. The combination of the two played a huge role in my spiritual growth, a deeper awakening and consciousness, plus it’s guided my life since. It’s not something you lose.
My husband is a cyclist and rides hundreds of miles every month. There have been times when he has stopped riding over the years, but when he starts up again he gets back into the flow with ease. He tells me it’s muscle memory. The muscles remember how to respond when he does the same movement again. I’ve decided that’s what living more spiritually is like. You can’t take away what you know, the truth, once you’ve connected with it. It’s never gone, you can just get distracted by being human for a while. Once I come back to the truth that I am a spiritual being I reconnect with all that and it starts to flow again. Spiritual muscle memory.
Today I am in that place - reconnected - and it feels great. I’ve been thinking about it and know it has to do with my brain chemistry balancing, the food I am eating, the way I am moving my body and the deep spiritual awakening I had in New Mexico. When I contemplate all that I have been doing the word “yoga” keeps coming up. Yes, my body is telling me it’s time to get back into the physical practice, but it is more than that. The Yoga of Being is about a lifestyle. It’s about “being” and not “doing”. Allowing, not forcing. Acceptance, not resistance. Connecting mind, body, and spirit in a wholly way. A lifestyle of connection, balance and health.
The Wikipedia definition of yoga: “Yoga is the physical, mental, and spiritual practices or disciplines which originated in ancient India with a view to attain a state of permanent peace of mind in order to experience one's true self.”
I love that definition! It says exactly what I am wanting to create in my life - “a state of permanent peace of mind in order to experience one’s true self.” That’s what this entire process of Becoming Zia has been about for me. The evolution of my true self. Learning to understand my truth and the bigger truth of who we all are. The healing of my physical body and the emotional, spiritual and metaphysical lessons around it all. It’s time for me to transcend into a place of acceptance and begin living from the essence of my true self. When I wrote the post Fuc#ed Up No More in March is was part of the awakening of my awareness that I no longer needed to fix myself. I’ve spent most of my life attempting to do that, always feeling broken and flawed. That is over. Now it’s time to begin living in a new way, a connected way. Connected to that part of me that is eternal, a piece of the perfection that is part of the bigger whole.
Yes, that’s it - The Yoga of Being. A lifestyle, a philosophy, a daily practice. Ummm, could be another book in the making!
It’s been over four months that I’ve been on the Amino Acid Protocol. I’m not sure what I expected from it, but I am seeing some changes that are profound. First and foremost I am feeling calmer, more confident and less stressed out. I’ve also noticed that I have lost most of my cravings for food and have changed some old negative patterned behaviors around eating. Now, I am not sure if that’s due to the way I am eating (AIP) or the Amino Acids, or a combination of the two. But what ever it is, it’s real and significant.
Yesterday, I had an a couple of experiences that proved it to me. My husband and I were staying a couple of days at Desert Hot Springs resort near Palm Springs. The place has eight mineral pools in the center of the complex, plus a spa and restaurant/lounge. We’ve been here before, so when I had the experience I’m going to write about, I have those other visits to compare and contrast to. Obviously this resort is pool and lounging centered. Everyone is wearing swimsuits and the people come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes. Every time I’ve come in the past I have been super self-conscious of my weight and how I look in a swimsuit. It hasn’t stopped me, but it is something that is ever present, in the forefront of my thoughts. I take steps to cover-up and conceal as best I can. But yesterday, things were different. I had been in the pool swimming and laying in a chaise lounge for a couple of hours and it occurred to me that I hadn’t thought once about how I looked or worried about what other people were thinking of me. I was taken back, and sat there for a few moments letting it sink it. So, this is what it felt like to just experience something without self criticism and judgement. It was amazing. I decided to test it out, and got up and walked back to our room without covering myself in a towel or wrap. No reaction. People looked at me, but not in that “oh look at that fat women way”, but just noticing me as I walked by. It was a revelation. The only thing that had changed from the last visit was me. And, I think it is because of balancing my brain chemistry with amino acids.
The second thing I noticed was about chocolate. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with chocolate most of my life. It is what I used to consider a chocolate addiction. One bite and I couldn't stay away from the stuff. Because of that I’ve totally given it up, although on the autoimmune paleo program I'm following some people eat chocolate and do fine. I’ve stayed clear and even considered that fact that I have an allergy to it. So, yesterday before heading to the Hot Springs we stopped a natural food market to buy some snacks to take with
us. At the front of the store they had a cute little bakery. I looked around and saw some gluten-free, 85% cacao, five ingredient, chocolate chip cookies, and they looked delicious. I still don’t know why, but I bought some. It’s not something I would have even considered the day before. But I guess I was in vacation mode and decided to go for it! I bought 6 small cookies. I had a couple in the afternoon and they tasted really good. I ate the other four after dinner and thoroughly enjoyed each bite. This morning I woke up and feel normal. No cravings or mad desire for more chocolate, or even an odd inkling. That is unusual. In the past having six cookies would have set me off on a sugar/chocolate craving binge. No kidding! I’m super sensitive to it. Again, I began to consider what was different. No gluten, low sugar and the high chocolate content may have made the difference, but having my brain chemistry balanced could be at the root of it all.
The goal of balancing brain chemistry is to eliminate compulsive behavior, cravings for sugar and other stimulants as well as healing and restoring the neurotransmitter uptake receptors in order to increase serotonin and dopamine function. When my naturopath doc first talked to me about this I was a bit skeptical. But, I decided to give it a try for a few months and see. Am I ever glad I did. What happened over the past two days is sound evidence as far as I’m concerned. Some times you don’t know how desperately a thing needs to be fixed until after it is! Big love,
P.S. This past week I’ve been doing some more research into the use of amino acids and found a book called “The Diet Cure” by Julia Ross that addresses the issue in a clear way. I just purchased the book in Palm Springs and will write a book report blog post once I’ve read it. Look for that in the next couple of weeks.
"Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. " ~Eckhart Tolle I’ve been thinking a lot about living a more spiritual centered life lately. In the past I thought that I had to rigidly follow a daily spiritual practice to “get connected”. Like exercise, I thought it was something I had to do to get into the flow. But, recently I have come to realize that living a more spiritual centered life is more of an attitude and a way of approaching life. It’s not about forcing anything, it is about being. Here’s what I’ve come to understand.
Timelessness
Yesterday I was listening to Eckhart Tolle and he was speaking about timelessness. He described the essence of who we are as “eternal beings” and how the word eternal gives the wrong impression. Connecting with the “timelessness” of being is much more powerful and truthful. The place of timelessness is our spiritual center, it is being present in the moment. And, in the moment times stands still, that is where the connection to spirit resides. I heard his words on a deep level and understood what he was saying. It became clear to me that to live a more spirit centered life I would have to spend more time in the moment, being present in the timeless state of being. I also realized that I can find that place anytime I choose. I am there right now as I am writing this. I am completely present with this thought and these words and and it feels wonderful. Time disappears and the present appears. It happens anytime I let go of the past and all the concerns of the future and just allow myself to be in a place of stillness. It doesn’t require any special place, equipment or ritual, it is only a breath away. All it takes is surrender. Letting go, releasing the grasp on the perceived importance of reality and stepping into the present moment awareness. it’s a fabulous place to be.
Ego
What keeps me from going there more frequently is my ego. It is busy at work distracting me from that wonderful place of timelessness with all the needs it wants filled. Go here, go there, get this, buy that, worry about what other people think, money, family, friends, work, etc. All the distractions that keep me disconnected. I can get caught up with all that’s not working in my life or the pride about what is. I can fantasize about all the things I want and become envious of others who have it. The media fills my vision with all sorts of “stuff” that gets my attention and the wanting grows. Even though I am aware of the pointlessness of this pursuit and the truth that it is an illusion, knowing that my real happiness comes from the still place within, my ego pulls me towards it. When I get caught up in my ego I become judgmental of others and even more so with myself. It is becomes a place of pain, longing and suffering, far the blissful state of timelessness. What a contrast!
Spiritual Center
Somewhere between these two places resides the peaceful balance and spiritual center that I am seeking. Being human is all about polarity, opposites, that is what it means to be human, and why we’re here. Expecting to stay completed connected to the timelessness state is unrealistic and honestly, would be boring. Being human I've got to get involved with a little bit of drama. However, being completely wrapped up in the unending drama of the ego is totally distracting and exhausting. I’d like to think that there is a place of balance and that’s where I’d like to start living.
It starts with awareness and openness. Being a witness to both the timelessness and the ego drama. Starting each day aware that the human experience is an adventure and to most fully live it is to stay disconnected from attachment. Experience it and allow it to unfold without being attached to the outcome. A delicate balance of letting go, yet allowing life to unfold. That is the daily practice I want to experience. The simplest way I have found to do that is with my breath. It’s happening unconsciously every moment, but when I stop and consciously witness my breath, I get a brief connection with timelessness, enough to wake me up from the ego drama and release attachment. Honestly, it works!
Rev. Kathianne Lewis from the Center for Spiritual Living in Seattle spoke one Sunday about the Holy Spirit. She said it is really breath -The Holy Breath. It is the first and last thing we ever do in this human experience. It connects us to something far greater. Just becoming present with your holy breath is enough to transform any situation into a spiritual moment. Along with breath, it’s a daily process of staying connected, detached and present all at the same time. It’s a state of being, something I can do each day to help me connect to that peaceful, spiritual place that I am seeking. It’s available in every breath. Big Love,
P.S. A big thanks to my Meet Up buddies for exploring the topic of Spirituality and helping me get more clear on my beliefs.
Today I read a blog post from Brooke at Brooke: Not On A Diet blog. She was approached to be a Success Story on the Shape website after losing over 172 pounds and she declined because they wouldn’t show her after picture (right) in a two-piece swimsuit. They said it was policy for people to be fully clothes, but Brooke beleived that it was because it showed the reality of what happens to a body after massive weight loss. Interesting.
This started me thinking about my own journey. In the early 2000’s I lost over 170 pounds and kept it off for many years. It felt wonderful and I looked great. Several people asked me what happened to my extra skin. My answer was “you don’t want to see me naked!” The extra skin doesn’t go away, it’s just there. It is part of the process when you lose over half your body weight. It is also a dream buster. All the years I was fat I fantasied about how wonderful it would be to be thin. I envisioned myself as my early 20's self, with a fit body and wearing a cute outfit, exposing lots of skin. Reality is a bitch sometimes. The truth was I was in my late 40’s and I had lots of loose skin that had to be camouflaged with clothes (and Spanx). Thankfully, I had inherited good skin and it did adjust some but it was still a reality of weight loss I wasn’t ready for and it was a huge disappointment. I had totally bought into the American standard of beauty.
Today I am feeling the beginning of that same process. After losing 40 pounds I see that my skin is getting baggy and loose. I held my arm up the other day and the skin on my forearm was a mass of wrinkles. I looked at it and could hardly believe it was my own body I was looking at. Old lady arms. Frightening! My stomach is getting flabby and my thighs are sagging. It is really not a pretty picture at all. But as I see it, it’s much better than staying fat. It is a reality of losing weight that makes me cringe, but I must lean to accept. Especially now, pushing 60. The skin just doesn't have the elasticity it used to!
Reading Brooke’s blog post today helped me put it in perspective. Extra skin is a reality of extreme weight loss. It is a fact and something no one who loses over 100 pounds can escape. What has to happen is a mental change in the way we look at it. Trying to hide it under clothes, like the Shape people wanted to do, is covering up a reality. We need to adjust our perception and practice a more loving approach to our bodies. Well, that’s what I am going to do. Accepting what is, and loving my body today is ultimate self-acceptance. There is no shame. Although society may find it unpleasant and the standards are all askew, the truth is deeply personal. I can either join the misguided public opinion and judge myself harshly my their standards, or I can love my body and all that it’s been though (and continues to go through) and be proud. I can be part of the change or I can continue to live under the unrealistic ideals that I used to believe in. I’m with Brooke. It’s time to face reality, see it for what it is and re-define beauty. Big love,
Yesterday, I had an a couple of experiences that proved it to me. My husband and I were staying a couple of days at Desert Hot Springs resort near Palm Springs. The place has eight mineral pools in the center of the complex, plus a spa and restaurant/lounge. We’ve been here before, so when I had the experience I’m going to write about, I have those other visits to compare and contrast to. Obviously this resort is pool and lounging centered. Everyone is wearing swimsuits and the people come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes. Every time I’ve come in the past I have been super self-conscious of my weight and how I look in a swimsuit. It hasn’t stopped me, but it is something that is ever present, in the forefront of my thoughts. I take steps to cover-up and conceal as best I can. But yesterday, things were different. I had been in the pool swimming and laying in a chaise lounge for a couple of hours and it occurred to me that I hadn’t thought once about how I looked or worried about what other people were thinking of me. I was taken back, and sat there for a few moments letting it sink it. So, this is what it felt like to just experience something without self criticism and judgement. It was amazing. I decided to test it out, and got up and walked back to our room without covering myself in a towel or wrap. No reaction. People looked at me, but not in that “oh look at that fat women way”, but just noticing me as I walked by. It was a revelation. The only thing that had changed from the last visit was me. And, I think it is because of balancing my brain chemistry with amino acids. 
us. At the front of the store they had a cute little bakery. I looked around and saw some gluten-free, 85% cacao, five ingredient, chocolate chip cookies, and they looked delicious. I still don’t know why, but I bought some. It’s not something I would have even considered the day before. But I guess I was in vacation mode and decided to go for it! I bought 6 small cookies. I had a couple in the afternoon and they tasted really good. I ate the other four after dinner and thoroughly enjoyed each bite. This morning I woke up and feel normal. No cravings or mad desire for more chocolate, or even an odd inkling. That is unusual. In the past having six cookies would have set me off on a sugar/chocolate craving binge. No kidding! I’m super sensitive to it. Again, I began to consider what was different. No gluten, low sugar and the high chocolate content may have made the difference, but having my brain chemistry balanced could be at the root of it all. 
Yesterday I was listening to Eckhart Tolle and he was speaking about timelessness. He described the essence of who we are as “eternal beings” and how the word eternal gives the wrong impression. Connecting with the “timelessness” of being is much more powerful and truthful. The place of timelessness is our spiritual center, it is being present in the moment. And, in the moment times stands still, that is where the connection to spirit resides. I heard his words on a deep level and understood what he was saying. It became clear to me that to live a more spirit centered life I would have to spend more time in the moment, being present in the timeless state of being. I also realized that I can find that place anytime I choose. I am there right now as I am writing this. I am completely present with this thought and these words and and it feels wonderful. Time disappears and the present appears. It happens anytime I let go of the past and all the concerns of the future and just allow myself to be in a place of stillness. It doesn’t require any special place, equipment or ritual, it is only a breath away. All it takes is surrender. Letting go, releasing the grasp on the perceived importance of reality and stepping into the present moment awareness. it’s a fabulous place to be.
Rev. Kathianne Lewis from the Center for Spiritual Living in Seattle spoke one Sunday about the Holy Spirit. She said it is really breath -The Holy Breath. It is the first and last thing we ever do in this human experience. It connects us to something far greater. Just becoming present with your holy breath is enough to transform any situation into a spiritual moment. Along with breath, it’s a daily process of staying connected, detached and present all at the same time. It’s a state of being, something I can do each day to help me connect to that peaceful, spiritual place that I am seeking. It’s available in every breath.
